I Failed At Beekeeping And Silenced All Of My Haters!
…10 Out Of 10 Car Salesmen Agree, You Need A New Car…
…BitCoins Revealed To Be Pogs All Along…
…Psychic Predicts World Already Over…
…San Francisco and Oakland make up; will become one city…
…Four turtles and a rat found dead of toxic poisoning…
…The Academy Awards ‘In Memoriam’ Forgets To Mention Macaulay Culkin For The Third Year In A Row…
… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
…Christmas Scheduled to Happen Again This Year…
…Mannequins found in store window…
…Secret Ingredient To Sushi Discovered: FISH…
…Man Wakes Up From 10 Year Coma, Asks, “What’s Up With Lance Armstrong?”…
…Ophthalmologist: Glasses Are Sexy…
…Hats are cool…
…15 found dead in Warner Bros. Water Tower, at the Warner Movie lot…
…Forever 21 Turns 34 this year…
…Corks Found To Only Be Holding Things Back…
…BREAKING: Grandmother Not Actually As Proud Of You As She Says…
…Newest Gaming Trend: Personal Space…
…Quiz: Does He Know You’re Illiterate? …
…Teeth Found To Be Tongue Prison…
Cigarettes linked to cancer!
…Thoughts and prayers found to be cancerous…
…Murder Victim Speaks Out…
…Colonel Sanders Found to Have Never Served in the Military…
…AMBER ALERT: Tiffany Amber Thiessen…
…Dog’s Feet Smell Like Vacuum Cleaner Bag…
…Quiz: Do You Have A Savior Complex Or Are You Just Jesus?…
…Hillary Clinton Still Roaming The Woods…
…Roast Beef: Lunch Meat or Middle Toe? Little Piggies Respond…
…9 Out Of 10 Dentists Agree: Africa Is Not A Country…
…Tropic of Cancer sues Caribbean Medical Board for copyright infringement…
…9 Out Of 10 Dentists Agree: Vacuums Suck…
… Red and Yellow Is The New Black…
…BREAKING NEWS: New Yorkers shocked to learn Staten Island isn’t part of New Jersey…
…Trump Asks Media “What’s A Tariff?”…
…God found dead in space…
Cancer linked to death!
…Police Discover Two Bodies In Witch’s Oven…
…Quiz: Which 90s Murderer Are You?…
…Local Mom Still Talking About Tupperware…
…Entertainment personality ahead in the polls…
…Waldo still missing…
…AMBER ALERT: Spoon; Last seen running away with a Dish…
…Lindbergh baby missing…
…Medieval Times to get modern update…
…Cancer and Death to marry… cigarettes devastated…
…“Specialist” not a real designation…
…BREAKING NEWS: Dumb Is Spelled With A ‘B’…
…RIP KOKO…
…Scientists find that Vaping is dope AF…
…Forks and outlets: you decide…
…”Peacoat” not what name suggests…
…AMBER ALERT: Amber Tamblyn…
…Queen Kong???…
…City Announces Subway Being Rebranded As “Uber Metro”…
…Snow Is Just Rain That Forgot To Melt…
…Supreme Court Rules: We Rule! …
…Study finds that 9 out of 10 studies are for nerds…

People Always Told Me I Couldn’t Start My Own Bee Farm, So I Proved Them Right

People always told me there was no way I’d ever be able to manage a hive of bees like the trendy rooftop beekeepers of New York City, and oh boy, did it feel good to silence all the haters when I proved them right.

I think I knew I wouldn’t be a good beekeeper when I showed no prior willingness or desire to own and operate a bee farm as well as zero affinity for bees. If you didn’t know I was ill-suited and entirely inept at beekeeping, you’d probably have figured it out when I sat next to the wooden hive in my beekeeper’s suit with my cool little smoke canister in hand waiting for the bees to show up. That’s when I learned that bees don’t just show up when you buy all the stuff.

my own bee farm

You have to buy the bees, too, apparently. All those times I saw them flying around out there, I didn’t notice the little price tags on their feet. I eventually bought some bees and then found out I had to get a queen. Beekeeping is a goddamn racket.

I hear all the time that if bees go extinct, it will spell disaster for the world’s food supply. Trillions of plants throughout the world would never get pollinated. Biodiversity would plummet. There’d be worldwide food shortages that would lead to civil unrest that would lead to riots that would lead to worldwide governmental collapse, chaos, and eventual ruin. At least, that’s what people say after I smash them for getting near my face. They kept getting mad, so I stopped using the smoke canister as a fast and efficient device for getting very high and instead used it for its intended purpose, calming the bees before doing beekeeper stuff. The problem with that was I didn’t know what any of that stuff entailed.

That’s probably why there was a brief period where I thought maybe I could be a good honey farmer. I figured I’d fast-track the process by extracting the honey from the bees myself by grinding them with a mortar and pestle. The resulting honey was … interesting. A bit chunkier than I’d hoped and with more twitching legs than I’m accustomed to seeing in my little bear-shaped bottle. But hey, who doesn’t love a little pulp in their freshly squeezed orange juice? I’d been spreading it on my morning toast for about a week when my lovely wife informed me that the honey is not inside the bees like how wine is inside a grape. This was news to me.

At this point, I figured it was probably best to let them do their thing. They’ve been doing it for centuries all on their own before I came along, so why do they need me around, pestering them? So I just left the hive there in my backyard for months, entirely unattended. The bees really seemed to like that. Without me constantly checking in on them, they felt free to expand their horizons into my house, then my neighbor’s houses, then their neighbor’s houses, and so on. City officials traced it all back to me and levied a fine larger than anything I’ll ever make selling honey that tastes like incompetence. A coalition of neighbors with bee allergies from upwards of a mile and a half away filed a lawsuit against me. The jury found me guilty after only 17 minutes of deliberation.

As I sit here, waiting for the bus that’ll take me to county jail, I can’t help but think of all the haters who have to suck on how right they were to say that I couldn’t start my own bee farm. I’ll be laughing at all of you from cell block D for the next two to five years!

Images: Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay

Luis Prada
Luis Prada

Luis is a columnist for Cracked.com and an astral projection of an unfathomable being from across the universe.

No Comments Yet

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.