I Connected With My Deceased Father By Touching His Thermostat
Mediums can often help people connect with their deceased loved ones, giving a sense of validation and closure to unfinished relationships. The thing is, mediums are super expensive, and if I want to connect with my deceased father, all I have to do is touch the thermostat.
Not just the thermostat at his former home, either. Any thermostat I come into contact with elicits a ghostly moan of “AaaaAAAaaaRRRRrrrEEE YYyyyOOOooUUUuuu KkkIIIiiiDDDdddIIIIiiNNNnnGGgggG MMmmmmEEEeee?” followed by the rattling of chains and a chilled whisper of “It’s downright tropical in here.” Wait, why are there chains? Guys, is my dad in hell?
Honestly, that kind of seems right. I’m sure the afterlife is different for everyone, but my dad was not a great guy, and it sounds like his isn’t going so hot—rather, it’s going too hot, which is why he cares so much about the thermostat. If he were up in heaven eating steaks on a cloud with Elvis or whatever, he probably wouldn’t have so much time to bother me.
A lot of my friends are just so fascinated by my ghost dad, but he’s really not good for anything. He’s not a crime-solving ghost or a prophecy-giving ghost. He’s just a cheap ghost. Sometimes, I actually really need important information from him, and he’s just got nothing. The other day, Mom said she thought he kept a safety deposit box, but she couldn’t find any information about it, so I trotted over to her thermostat and turned it from 63 to 65 degrees. All I got was two people screaming “What the hell are you doing?” at me.
I’ve tried and tried to find a way to be both warm and not haunted, but that just doesn’t seem to be possible. I adjusted the thermostat with a selfie stick once. Boy, did he not like that. One time, I tried getting a friend to turn up the heat for me. I’m not sure exactly what she saw, but her hair turned white and she moved to Mexico so she would never have to touch a thermostat again.
I have to admit, there are times when I would love to get rid of him—I mean, help him move on—but I think yelling at me might be his only unfinished business. His final thoughts were probably “It’s too hot in here” and “I should have yelled at my daughter more.” Wait, maybe my dad is in heaven. Yelling at people and being cold were his two greatest joys in life—why would that change in the afterlife?
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…