bunnyears

…Unusually Buff Dog Not Breaking Eye Contact…
…Man discovers woman already knows thing he was going to tell her….
…Report reveals Rice-A-Roni actually from Detroit…
…Santa is real, and he lives in your crawl space….
…Did Tupac fake his birth?…
…13th month discovered between February and March….
… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
…Woman Memorizes Snapple Fact In Case Tonight’s Party Is That Bad…
…Single 32 Year Old Patiently Waits For Friends To Get Divorced…
…Don’t Forget To Grab Milk…
…According to studies accordions are unsteady…
…Local white guy “gets it”…
…Opinion: I Have The Best Smile And Coolest Personality …
…Scientists find that deja vu is just alternate timeline of you dying…
…Your Dog Might Have A Secret Passport…
…Mother Struggles To Explain Scott Baio To Her Child…
…Children May Be Stupider And Weaker Than Previously Thought…
…Opinion: We’re In A Golden Age Of Trash Talking…
…6 Year Online Romance Ends In Weird Handshake…
…Dollars to donuts exchange crashing…
…Hurricane wipes out town of Duckberg…
…Update: Only very tiny hats now cool…
…Bunny Ears wins prestigious Bunny Ears website of the year award at the Bunny Ears Awards…
…Chill Girlfriend Constantly Suppressing Everything…
…Scientists Discover A Lot Of Cool Junk In Older Brother’s Room…
…Gordon Ramsay Signed Beef Wellington Sells For 1.6 Million…
…Breaking: Absolutely no one wang chunging tonight…
…Very smart toilet begs for death…
…Confirmed: Everyone is hanging out without you…
…New Boyfriend Eats Imitation Crab Straight From The Package…
…Hospital Cracks Down On Patients Getting Chemo For Fun…
…Email From Mom Has 4 FWDs In Subject Line…
…Local Couple Adopts Blind Dogs And Just Puts Them Down…
…Millennials Are Disrupting The Banjo Industry…
…Fourth grade teacher found to be not as hot as you remember…
…Breaking – There’s A Spider In Your Pocket…
…Sugar daddy eaten by ants…
…Single Woman Manages To Meet Food Delivery Minimum…
…Half The World’s Bees Have Never Seen The Show Seinfeld…
…Spoiler alert: The milk has gone bad…
…According to studies studying causes cancer…
…Survey finds startling amount of ghosts are racist….
…Help, I’m Trapped In A Headline Writing Factory. Details To Follow…
…Shazaam not a real movie…Google it…
…Study: Loss Of Car Leads To 1000% Catcalling Increase…
…Quiz: Is This The Good Milk?…
…Am I standing right behind you? The answer might surprise you!…
…Drugs In Water Supply Treat Fish’s Depression…
…Against All Odds, Man Learns To Dance…
…Reported discovery of new planet turns out to be your mom…
…Man pretty sure Game Of Thrones is historically accurate…
…A New Generation Of Turtles Are Learning Martial Arts…
…Woman With Scoliosis Has Detailed Knowledge Of Floor-…
…Adult Hearing Mom Use Their Full Name Still Terrified…
…Violent Pokémon dispute sparks trade war…
…Research shows laughter definitely not the best medicine…
…’Glow Up’ Discovered To Just Be DBZ Reference…
…Big dick energy drink selling poorly…

I Traveled The World And Didn’t Learn A Fucking Thing About Myself

travel the world

I was stuck in neutral; directionless. I yearned to embark on a long journey of self-discovery that spanned the globe. So, I did. I hopped on a plane, leaving my obligations behind, and spent years traveling the world. I didn’t learn a single fucking thing about myself the whole time.

I always figured that if I traveled the world and saw things and met people and did stuff I would come back a man enriched by knowledge and experience; that I would be wiser and smarter; that my years of globetrotting would manifest as a series of life lessons that would propel me toward a brighter future. Not even fucking close. And I did a lot.

travel the world

I worked for a spice farmer in India named Arnav. His vanilla beans were so good that I just knew that this was a guy who was definitely going to teach me a thing or two about myself. Things were going well until local gangs strong-armed Arnav into paying outlandish “protection fees.” As the fees rose every month, he tearfully fired his loyal farmhands. I heard his story and offered to work his farm free of charge until my time in India was done. The gang confiscated our spice shipments and his goats set on fire when he got tired of their racket and refused to pay up. I had to do something to protect Arnav and his family. Luckily, the whole time I was there Arnav had been teaching me a 3,000-year-old Indian martial art called Kalaripayattu. Arnov made me promise only to use it to find inner peace, a promise I broke when I used Kalaripayattu to defeat the gang. He never spoke to me again. The fuck, Arnav? I get you your farm back and what did I learn in return other than a stupid 3000-year-old Indian martial art? Fuck all, that’s what.

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travel the world

I spent some time on a Scandinavian fishing ship catching sturgeon with some of the rowdiest fellas I ever met. Hard drinkers, too. But more loyal than any Labrador and more friendly than, well, any Labrador. During the day, we’d sing songs as we reeled in our bounties. By night, we’d tell tales from our travels. It will be through these men – Sven, Anders, Thorin, and the rest — that I will learn valuable lessons about myself, I thought. And then they all died in a squall. Is “don’t befriend Scandinavian fishermen because they might die in a squall” the lesson I should’ve taken from that? Because it was, and I will never have a use for it.

travel the world

In Bogotá, Colombia, I befriended a street kid named Nina. She had to pickpocket tourists to survive after her family was gunned down by corrupt cops. I took her under my wing. Together we honed her skills in thievery and used them to steal classified documents that exposed a vast network of corruption running throughout the nation’s political system. We were lauded as heroes. From me, Nina learned how to use her skills to find justice. From her, I didn’t learn a fucking thing, that selfish little shit. She could have at least taught me to steal someone’s watch while shaking their hand, but not even that.

DON’T MISS:  Life Lessons I Learned From The Feral Children Living In The Woods Behind My Home

After trotting the globe for five years, I made it back home exactly as I was when I left. If I really had to scrape together a lesson to be gleaned from all of this to salvage my disastrous journey, I guess it would be this: splurge for first-class seats on international flights, if you can afford it. The extra legroom alone makes it worthwhile.

 

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