Our Staff Medium Glimpsed The Afterlife, And Honestly It’s Hot Garbage 

August 5, 2019 by , featured in Spiritual Wellness
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Any wellness publication worth their organic salt can tell you that the afterlife definitively exists. However, just what awaits our eternal souls in the Great Beyond? It’s one of the questions that’s plagued billions of people across hundreds of generations, prompted the rise and fall of entire belief systems, and driven artists to both genius and madness. Well good news: Our staff medium glimpsed the afterlife and, well, yeesh. Being dead is going to suuuuuck.

We’re not going to go into too much detail here, because if you asked us what one religion got it right the answer would shock you, and then it would topple the world order as we know it and throw humanity into a generation of strife and chaos. But if you could guess who nailed it, you’d definitely think twice about your plans to eventually die one day.

For starters, the food blows. Manna from heaven? More like cauliflower from some stupid heavenly garden. Apparently your great reward for a lifetime of hard work and emotional strife is having to eat healthy forever. What kind of payoff is that? You even have to exercise, too! Look, we treat our bodies well so we’ll look hot for our funerals, not so we can keep doing it throughout a timeless eternity.

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And you think that glimpse of the afterlife is bad? Don’t even get us started on the lack of activities. You have to spend all day praying to [SPECIFIC DEITY OR DEITIES REDACTED FOR THE SAKE OF MAINTAINING SOCIAL COHESION] and then it’s off to bed so you can get up and do it all again the next morning. Like okay, we get it, you’re an eternal and flawless being or beings responsible for creating the infinite cosmos in all its stunning glory, but how much praise do you need? Clingy much? The afterlife isn’t going to fall apart if you let us take a day off to watch a movie! Like, we’re dead, we’ve finally got time to catch up on our Netflix queue, and this is what we’re stuck with?

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Oh, And Get This, There’s Work

Huge bummer, right? Turns out that there are “plans” for “humanity to find its destiny amongst the stars” and we have to “play a part.” Like we’re not working hard enough right now! With all of this in mind, we advise not dying until the afterlife gets it shit together. Our medium is petitioning for change even as you read this, but God(s) knows how long that will take. Definitely don’t die until you get an update from us!

If you liked this, you’ll ALSO probably like Sex Positions That Will Shock The Ghost Of That Victorian Prude.

Image: Unsplash


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