Sex Positions That Will Shock The Ghost Of That Victorian Prude
Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, and we at Bunny Ears can’t wait to help you make your day especially sexy with your special someone. In fact, the following sex positions are so hot and steamy that you’ll literally summon the stern, prudish ghost of the Victorian woman who haunts your home. So if you want to ensure that the spirit of Desdemona Turnerwood shows up wailing and screaming about how “vile, truly vile” you are, keep reading!
1.) 50 Shades of Waking The Dead
It’s time to bring on the kinky! Break out the ropes, scarves, blindfolds, and handcuffs, and if you can, specifically use items leftover from when Desmonda lived in your home. Nothing upsets prudish ghosts more than using their stuff during the nasty nasty. As you and your Valentine tie it up and bang it out, expect the bed to shake with more than just your lascivious love making. The quaking is likely Desdemona trying to shake you like the bad dogs you are so you’ll stop offending her Victorian sensibilities.
2.) The Ghost Glow
The only thing that angers Victorian ghosts more than sex is technologically-powered sex, so break out those battery-based sex toys! We’re talking pulsing vaginal eggs, giant dildos, and vibrating butt plugs. Just be warned: Your puritanical phantom will probably have to call for backup from Sir Archibald Abner (which may lead to them controlling the electricity in your home until you “halt that repulsive copulation!”).
3.) Snack Attack That Haunted Shack!
Once the angry spirits in your home finally knock out the electricity and phone lines, it’s time to use all that food in your fridge before it goes bad. Get the whipped cream and chocolate sauce and start smearing it all over each other. Don’t bother taking it back to the bedroom. You can do it right on the kitchen counters as the ghosts gasp in the background. Nibble and lick goodies off your significant other’s body. Allow the cries of “WELL I NEVER!” and “MARMALADE IS FOR TOAST NOT HARLOTS!” wash over you. Enjoy feasting until the ghost makes all the food you touch turn rotten/maggot-ridden. Then move on to tip #4!
4.) X-rated Movies To Annoy The Spookies!
Now that the food has rotten, the electricity is out, and the whole house is shaking with the anger of the undead, it’s time to break out your phones! Desdemona and Archie will be truly baffled as you and your partner watch your favorite pornography on your tiny handheld screens. Your desperate specters will have no choice but to get creative, and soon you’ll be bleeding profusely from every orifice as the ghosts try to stop you from watching those “disgusting displays of fornication” on “those tiny Devil boxes.” Thankfully, blood is a great lubricant! Once the crippling pangs of death begin you’re well on your way to—
5.) F&%$ing To Death
At this point the ghosts have decided to kill you for your display of carnal knowledge, but don’t let that stop you! Keep having sex, even as they make your bodies age rapidly and your insides sprout out of your mouths. You are nasty, freaky, and hot—and now you and your partner can be ghosts too and have sex FOREVER. Desdemona and Archibald will realize too late that they have created their worst nightmare: A pair of forever-copulating ghosts who will reside with them for eternity.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
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