I Made A Raccoon My Life Coach And I’ve Never Been Happier

August 8, 2022 by , featured in Spiritual Wellness
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Like many people, I spent my twenties feeling totally lost, so when the big 3-0 came, I decided to invest in a life coach. However, I had a hard time finding a coach who accepted me for me … that is until a raccoon leapt into my trash while I was frantically looking for my girlfriend’s discarded pregnancy test. Right then and there, I decided to follow that bold little fellow’s lead. He knows what he wants, and he goes for it, even if “it” is a dumpster full of pee or needles. And now, so do I!

At first, it was tough making such big lifestyle changes, like letting go of employment, housing, and both long-and-short-term plans. Any major overhaul of your habits is hard, no matter how good you know you’re going to feel once you pull the trigger. After my fifth consecutive night of rummaging through my neighbor’s recycling and being scared off with a hose, however, I felt a weight lift from my shoulders. Now, when I awake in a gutter, I wake up sober and clear-eyed. I’ve embraced the garbage-strewn path to wellness.

Some of my friends, family, and strangers haven’t yet gotten on board. “What about all the trash?” they say. “What about disease?” they moan. “You smell like urine and, again, trash,” they whine. Ugh, how they whine! In my old life, I would have been hurt and defensive, and I might even have lashed out. But now that I’m healthy, I simply hiss, clutch my food/refuse tightly, and retreat. Who needs to be around all that negative energy? Not raccoons. And not me. Not anymore.

Full of wisdom. And also, parasites.

Why not try some raccoon methodology for yourself? (Most life coaches wouldn’t just give their advice out for free, but as mine is a raccoon, he’s moved beyond such pathetic capitalist desires.) In addition to the “hiss/clutch/retreat” method for avoiding bummers, here’s a surefire way to center yourself, no matter what’s going on:

  • HISS. Hiss now, with all your energy.
  • RETREAT. Flee, positively.
  • DROP. Instead of clutching, let go. Life as a raccoon is not always predictable.

There you have it. The first steps on the journey to freedom. Will you take them? It’s up to you, but I, here in this poopy Dumpster of Liberty, cannot recommend it enough. Take the road less traveled. Take the road not entirely legal. Take the road to hisssssssss.

Images: Unsplash, Pixabay


Did you know we make silly videos? It’s true! If you want to make a raccoon your life coach, you might also be interested in this eyeliner tutorial. Check it out:

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