How To Best Oppress Your Workers In The Era of Climate Change

July 23, 2019 by , featured in Lifestyle
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We are at a tipping point. Because of climate change, Earth could become inhospitable to human life in as little as 50 years. There’s basically nothing we can do to stop it anymore, so—for better or worse—the dilemma is now this: How can we as capitalists responsibly maintain the status quo and continue to exploit the labor of our workers in the face of oblivion? It all seems pretty pointless with an expiration date, but that’s the kind of negative attitude you need to push through in order to oppress your workers responsibly.

So firstly, keep your eye on the prize.

Old-timey dead poor guy John Muir famously once said, “everybody needs beauty as well as bread, places to play in and pray in, where Nature may heal and cheer and give strength to body and soul alike.” He’s dead now and never had to pay for gas for a Hatteras M90 Panacera, so fuck his poor dead ass.

No government regulations or well-intentioned intervention from biologists can completely spare a place from degradation. The best vacation spots won’t be around for long, so the clock is on for you to make as much money as possible before they’re completely gone. Once they are, the only thing you can do is buy the land-use rights and build gentrification condos that look like they’re sponsored by the Seattle Seahawks.

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Make your workers think you’re concerned.

Human activity is the dominant influence on our current and future climate. So make sure that your workers know that climate change is due to the effects of the actions of all humans and not just the decisions of you, your buddies from Deerfield, and their dads. When talking to your lessers, use the word “Anthropocene” as much as possible. Have your interns draft several employee communications that address how concerned you are about human influence on the Earth and ask your employees to search for ways to reduce their carbon footprint in their daily lives. Fun fact: You can save $4,000/year if you stop buying plastic straws! If anyone complains send them a picture of a sea turtle with a straw in its nose with the caption “YOU DID THIS.”

And remember, time is money.

With maybe only 50 years left, your job is to stay rich that whole time. Your employees’ job is to keep you rich that whole time. Revolutions begin at the bottom, so cover your bottom. Keep your employees so busy that they don’t have time to do anything that could lead to revolution. Schedule your all-hands meetings on Perth time so your workers have to stay in the office until 11 P.M. Ideally they won’t even be able to attend a wine and paint night with their friends, so they’ll keep rescheduling over and over until it’s been eight months and they all just give up out of embarrassment.

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Finally, think of the future.

In a few short decades, all humans outside the Oppidum bunker will die from the effects of climate change. If you just asked, “What’s the Oppidum bunker?” you need to be more responsible when it comes to oppressing your workers. Think of your children. Are you really going to hole up with those loud little shits in a two-bedroom bunker with no pool? You deserve better, so oppress harder.


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