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… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
…Children May Be Stupider And Weaker Than Previously Thought…
…Hurricane wipes out town of Duckberg…
…Bunny Ears wins prestigious Bunny Ears website of the year award at the Bunny Ears Awards…
…’Glow Up’ Discovered To Just Be DBZ Reference…
…Your Dog Might Have A Secret Passport…
…Report reveals Rice-A-Roni actually from Detroit…
…Fourth grade teacher found to be not as hot as you remember…
…6 Year Online Romance Ends In Weird Handshake…
…Help, I’m Trapped In A Headline Writing Factory. Details To Follow…
…Hospital Cracks Down On Patients Getting Chemo For Fun…
…A New Generation Of Turtles Are Learning Martial Arts…
…Don’t Forget To Grab Milk…
…Chill Girlfriend Constantly Suppressing Everything…
…Woman Memorizes Snapple Fact In Case Tonight’s Party Is That Bad…
…Against All Odds, Man Learns To Dance…
…According to studies accordions are unsteady…
…Research shows laughter definitely not the best medicine…
…Big dick energy drink selling poorly…
…Breaking – There’s A Spider In Your Pocket…
…Man discovers woman already knows thing he was going to tell her….
…Woman With Scoliosis Has Detailed Knowledge Of Floor-…
…Half The World’s Bees Have Never Seen The Show Seinfeld…
…Did Tupac fake his birth?…
…According to studies studying causes cancer…
…Update: Only very tiny hats now cool…
…Local white guy “gets it”…
…Opinion: I Have The Best Smile And Coolest Personality …
…Survey finds startling amount of ghosts are racist….
…Sugar daddy eaten by ants…
…Dollars to donuts exchange crashing…
…Shazaam not a real movie…Google it…
…Millennials Are Disrupting The Banjo Industry…
…Am I standing right behind you? The answer might surprise you!…
…Drugs In Water Supply Treat Fish’s Depression…
…Violent Pokémon dispute sparks trade war…
…Opinion: We’re In A Golden Age Of Trash Talking…
…Local Couple Adopts Blind Dogs And Just Puts Them Down…
…Email From Mom Has 4 FWDs In Subject Line…
…Mother Struggles To Explain Scott Baio To Her Child…
…Santa is real, and he lives in your crawl space….
…Scientists Discover A Lot Of Cool Junk In Older Brother’s Room…
…Single 32 Year Old Patiently Waits For Friends To Get Divorced…
…Gordon Ramsay Signed Beef Wellington Sells For 1.6 Million…
…Reported discovery of new planet turns out to be your mom…
…Man pretty sure Game Of Thrones is historically accurate…
…Very smart toilet begs for death…
…Breaking: Absolutely no one wang chunging tonight…
…Spoiler alert: The milk has gone bad…
…Scientists find that deja vu is just alternate timeline of you dying…
…Study: Loss Of Car Leads To 1000% Catcalling Increase…
…Adult Hearing Mom Use Their Full Name Still Terrified…
…Single Woman Manages To Meet Food Delivery Minimum…
…Confirmed: Everyone is hanging out without you…
…New Boyfriend Eats Imitation Crab Straight From The Package…
…Quiz: Is This The Good Milk?…
…Unusually Buff Dog Not Breaking Eye Contact…
…13th month discovered between February and March….

What’s All This Then: Bunny Ears Determines That Free Will Is A Lie

free will

Bunny Ears knows that your quest for spiritual wellness takes many forms. During the day you may just need to know how much flaxseed to add to your oatmeal to get you through that staff meeting. But at night you’re haunted by bigger questions: Why are we here? Where are we going? Or, as we call it, What’s All This Then?

In WATT, we explore the issues that humanity has wondered about since time immemorial, then permanently solve them.

Today’s subject is free will, although that wasn’t our decision. Ha! Just a little determinism joke to lighten the human condition. Seriously though, after consulting a wide variety of neurologists, neurophysicists, philosophers, and theologians, we have reached the inescapable conclusion that free will is a lie and that we are all propelled along a fixed path until the inevitable conclusion of our brief existence.

free will

You may disagree with that conclusion. You may even rebel against it. But aren’t you continuing to read this very sentence? Did you decide to do that? Or are the chemicals in your brain conspiring against you, forcing you to absorb knowledge that threatens your very sense of self? Do you really have a sense of self, or are you are merely programming? Does that programming exist for your benefit, or does it exist solely for the sake of existing, with your own consciousness merely along for the ride like a passenger who believes themselves to be occupying the driver’s seat?

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Some argue—because they have been destined to argue—that the difference between free will and determinism is immaterial because, so long as man maintains the illusion of free will, it is functionally akin to having it. But that is a cowardly, solipsistic argument equal to claiming that, with sufficient imagination, a man living on the street can enjoy the same lifestyle as a man living in a mansion. Maybe fantasies can keep a vagrant warm during the day, but at night he will be cold. One’s inability to know the future does not mean that it isn’t already unfolding. We can only play the part that we have been assigned, can only bounce uselessly off all the other parts in our little corner of the vast and cruel universe.

You might ask how one perseveres in the face of this knowledge, but in doing so you reveal that you are still clinging to the old lie. No one perseveres. They only shamble along or fade away as destiny dictates.

What do you do, now that this conclusion has been definitively reached?

May we suggest visiting our store? (Not that you have a choice.)

For indeed, if there is solace in this grim existence, it lies only in what Bunny Ears offers. We are your bastion against the dark. Secular milk and honey to ease a troubled consciousness as it is propelled along its short and terrifying journey. If we are the passenger, trapped in a car that is hurtling towards a cliff, then the least we can do is change the radio station, fiddle with the air conditioning, and protest the circumstances in which we find ourselves.

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One must imagine oneself hurtling towards the void with a comfortable smile. The kicker, of course, is that you’re either open to the healing powers that we offer, or your brain will forever close them off to you. You will dismiss our methods as pseudoscience, as crutches, as signs of a weak mind unable to forge its own path in life. And yet here you are, still reading this, still pretending that you can unlock the passenger door even as the car careens deeper and deeper into the night.

Thank you for reading (again, not that you had any true say in the matter). And join us tomorrow when we look at natural remedies for kicking the Monday blues!

Images: Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay

 

 

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