Bunny Ears Determines Free Will Is A Lie by Mark Hill
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What’s All This Then: Bunny Ears Determines That Free Will Is A Lie

free will

Bunny Ears knows that your quest for spiritual wellness takes many forms. During the day you may just need to know how much flaxseed to add to your oatmeal to get you through that staff meeting. But at night you’re haunted by bigger questions: Why are we here? Where are we going? Or, as we call it, What’s All This Then?

In WATT, we explore the issues that humanity has wondered about since time immemorial, then permanently solve them.

Today’s subject is free will, although that wasn’t our decision. Ha! Just a little determinism joke to lighten the human condition. Seriously though, after consulting a wide variety of neurologists, neurophysicists, philosophers, and theologians, we have reached the inescapable conclusion that free will is a lie and that we are all propelled along a fixed path until the inevitable conclusion of our brief existence.

free will

You may disagree with that conclusion. You may even rebel against it. But aren’t you continuing to read this very sentence? Did you decide to do that? Or are the chemicals in your brain conspiring against you, forcing you to absorb knowledge that threatens your very sense of self? Do you really have a sense of self, or are you are merely programming? Does that programming exist for your benefit, or does it exist solely for the sake of existing, with your own consciousness merely along for the ride like a passenger who believes themselves to be occupying the driver’s seat?

Some argue—because they have been destined to argue—that the difference between free will and determinism is immaterial because, so long as man maintains the illusion of free will, it is functionally akin to having it. But that is a cowardly, solipsistic argument equal to claiming that, with sufficient imagination, a man living on the street can enjoy the same lifestyle as a man living in a mansion. Maybe fantasies can keep a vagrant warm during the day, but at night he will be cold. One’s inability to know the future does not mean that it isn’t already unfolding. We can only play the part that we have been assigned, can only bounce uselessly off all the other parts in our little corner of the vast and cruel universe.

You might ask how one perseveres in the face of this knowledge, but in doing so you reveal that you are still clinging to the old lie. No one perseveres. They only shamble along or fade away as destiny dictates.

What do you do, now that this conclusion has been definitively reached?

May we suggest visiting our store? (Not that you have a choice.)

For indeed, if there is solace in this grim existence, it lies only in what Bunny Ears offers. We are your bastion against the dark. Secular milk and honey to ease a troubled consciousness as it is propelled along its short and terrifying journey. If we are the passenger, trapped in a car that is hurtling towards a cliff, then the least we can do is change the radio station, fiddle with the air conditioning, and protest the circumstances in which we find ourselves.

One must imagine oneself hurtling towards the void with a comfortable smile. The kicker, of course, is that you’re either open to the healing powers that we offer, or your brain will forever close them off to you. You will dismiss our methods as pseudoscience, as crutches, as signs of a weak mind unable to forge its own path in life. And yet here you are, still reading this, still pretending that you can unlock the passenger door even as the car careens deeper and deeper into the night.

Thank you for reading (again, not that you had any true say in the matter). And join us tomorrow when we look at natural remedies for kicking the Monday blues!

Images: Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay

 

 

Mark Hill
Mark Hill

Author - Scribe - Robot?

Mark has written for Cracked, the Modern Rogue, McSweeney's Internet Tendency, the Atlantic, Motherboard, the Daily Dot, and a bunch of other places that he can't remember off the top of his head. He also writes most of the nation's grocery lists.

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