Bunny Ears Staff Advice Column: EMOTIONS

[EDITOR’S NOTE: Welcome to the second ever Bunny Ears advice column, where Bunny Ears staff submit questions, and other Bunny Ears staff provide answers. Neither party knew who was asking or answering their questions. Until now … ]

[EDITOR’S NOTE – PART TWO: We added an Amazon Affiliate link to this article. That means if you click on it and buy the thing, we get some money from Amazon. So click and buy!]

Q – Ken Hanley

Hey Bunny Ears! I don’t feel anything when I hear about deaths of close, personal friends or family members, and I also feel nothing following sexual intercourse. Am I going to be a serial killer?

A – Elijah Taylor

The good news is that you’re not alone. You might worry that whatever you feel (or don’t feel, rather) when you hear about a close relative’s death is wrong in some way. When my uncle passed away, it was a short time after I’d lost my mother, and I was already so overwhelmed with grief, I didn’t get measurably sadder when I heard that he was gone. For a long time, I felt guilty about that. I felt like I never grieved for him properly, and that I’d disrespected him in some way.

But let me set the record straight: There’s no “wrong” way to process grief. I want our readers to know that there’s no right or wrong way to feel in the situations you describe, and feeling nothing doesn’t make them flawed and doesn’t mean they’re serial killers. The bad news is that you, specifically, are almost definitely going to become a serial killer. I base this more on the small animal carcasses you keep in your desk at the Bunny Ears office, and the pictures you have of all of us with the eyes scratched out. [EDITOR’S NOTE: Again, Elijah did not know at the time whose question he was answering, but the preceding statement accurately describes so many staffers that he had a better-than-even chance of being right.]

Q – Carolyn Burke

How do you gain the confidence to age gracefully?

A – Archie Grimm

Friends, getting older isn’t the easiest thing to accept. Time is an unyielding master, and your body is going to change over the years, no matter how many anti-wrinkle creams you use or gym memberships you buy. The clock keeps ticking, the world keeps turning, and someday, you’ll just be a corpse in a coffin six feet under.

That’s precisely why aging shouldn’t bother you! We only have a finite amount of time on this Earth, why spend that time worrying about a few wrinkles? Do you really want to waste precious moments worrying about whether anyone will find you attractive anymore because you found some grey hairs? Have you guys seen the STD stats on elderly people? People are literally on their deathbeds and still willing to get their backs blown out. I call that living your best life, friends.

So don’t give up on life just yet! Keep doing the things you love, even while your body eventually grows too old and frail to keep on going. It’s going to happen, and that’s okay.

Unless you’re black. We don’t age, ya’ll. That melanin really is something else.

Q – Elijah Taylor

Things make me cry so often. I’m never sure when something will, without warning, turn me into a weeping mess. It makes dating difficult. And working. Really anything that requires social interaction. What do I do?

A – David Bell

I’m sorry to hear about your affliction. Luckily, you have several life hacks to choose from, some of which are short term while others require a little more time commitment.

Whenever you accidentally cry in a social situation, simply remark “I still just can’t get over what happened to Jesus Christ.” By doing so, any friend and/or co-worker who mocks or rejects your sudden sorrow is also persecuting your religious beliefs and will be subject to a lengthy court battle.

When dating, look for a significant other who is sexually aroused by the sudden sound of your tragic wailing, then simply sit back and watch your genitals get the platinum treatment they deserve.

Gradually increase your willingness to deceive and harm others until one day awaking with no emotional tether on the world and a chilled, indifferent heart. While there is still a slight risk of cathartic wails or outbursts, you can decrease this by maintaining a life of solitude and regarding mankind as a sloppy mammal race delusional to the utter meaningless of their existence. When you finally realize that nothing matters and there are no ultimate consequences to your actions, you will know the awesome power of a callous God. The night calls.

Q – Emily Leighty

Dear Bunny Ears,

Recently, I have been concerned for one of my co-workers because they have been talking a lot of about Boss Baby. I don’t feel like this is conductive to a work environment, and also, Boss Baby was not a great movie. As movies go, it was fine, but definitely no Moana. How can I tell them that Boss Baby was not a powerhouse of cinema and also to please go back to work?

Signed,
#StopWithTheBossBaby

A – Katie Goldin

[EDITOR’S NOTE: This answer has been modified from its original format to adhere to The Boss Baby Media & Marketing guidelines.]

Dear #StopWithTheBossBaby,

I’m sorry you’ve been struggling with the OSCAR©-NOMINATED, BOX OFFICE SUCCESS The Boss Baby, NOW AVAILABLE ON DVD, BLU-RAY, BLU-RAY 3D, AND ULTRA HD BLU-RAY BY THE GOOD FOLKS AT 20th CENTURY FOX HOME ENTERTAINMENT.

Sometimes, opinions clash at the workplace, and it can be difficult to foster a healthy environment, especially with respect to the subjectivity of art and entertainment, EXCEPT THE BOSS BABY, OBJECTIVELY A GOOD AND SUCCESSFUL MOVIE, NOMINATED FOR A GOLDEN GLOBE© AWARD, ANNIE AWARD, PRODUCERS GUILD OF AMERICA AWARD, AND RUNNER-UP IN THE GERBER FOUNDATION’S TRI-ANNUAL MOVIE-FEST CELEBRATING ACHIEVEMENTS IN BABY-FOCUSED FILMMAKING AWARDS.

You may want to gently guide your coworkers away from the topic of Boss Baby, perhaps by sparking conversation about other movies and TV shows SUCH AS THE ALL-NEW ANIMATED SHORT THE BOSS BABY AND TIM’S TREASURE HUNT THROUGH TIME AND THE NETFLIX ORIGINAL SERIES THE BOSS BABY: BACK IN BUSINESS. WATCH OUR HERO, BOSS BABY, AND HIS OLDER BROTHER, TIM, AS THEY GO ON ZANY MISADVENTURES.

If you feel you are being harassed by your coworkers with unwanted and persistent mentions of THE BOSS BABY, STARRING LUMINARY TALENT SUCH AS ALEC BALDWIN AND JIMMY KIMMEL, and after first attempting to resolve the conflict directly with your peers, you should speak with HR who will help CORRECT YOUR ERRONEOUS OPINIONS ABOUT THE DAZZLING CGI SPECTACLE THAT IS THE BOSS BABY.

I hope this helps!

Love,
Katie “SATISFIED ENTIRELY WITH THE MOVIE THE BOSS BABY AND ALL SUBSEQUENT ADDITIONS TO THE FRANCHISE” Goldin