My Girlfriend Says She Loves Me But She Won’t Kill My Rich Parents

Unfortunately, real-life romance isn’t like what we see in movies and on TV. If it was, I’d probably be able to tell if my girlfriend truly loved me or was just going through the motions. I feel like I’m constantly dropping hints about my needs and desires. Wouldn’t this room look nice with some fresh cut flowers? Wouldn’t it be thoughtful to take out the trash? Or, hey, my parents are worth millions, but I don’t want their blood on my hands. But, as of today, the living room remains flowerless, the trash is still in the can, and my parents are as healthy and happy as ever.

So, what does that mean? And if she won’t prove she loves me, how do I know how she really feels?

She knows my parents made a fortune in some stock swapping scheme in the early aughts—while I can barely pay rent. Any loving partner would assume I want them dead. That’s just being a good girlfriend. Frankly, I shouldn’t even have to ask.

But instead, she looked at me like I was crazy and ran out of the room crying. Then I heard her call someone from inside a locked closet, screaming about my “dead eyes,” and how she always “knew it would end this way.” Could it have been a flower shop or a housekeeping service? I sure hoped so at the time.

Then, a week later, she showed up in a dark van and started asking me leading questions about the murder while insisting I talk into a giant button on her lapel. Like any heartsick Romeo, I was hopeful that she was finally respecting my feelings and asking me questions about me and my need.

Unfortunately, I was soon arrested by the FBI (who made a snarky comment about all the trash that needed to be taken out, no less)! Yes, they say love will set you free, but I’m actually looking at 10 to 20, and still don’t know what’s going on in my girlfriend’s head. Plus, my parents have legally disowned me, so I doubt she’ll even try to murder them now. Love is a fickle thing indeed. 

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