Here at Bunny Ears, we’re always busy promoting African Americans, as well as African American styles and traditions. And while we love celebrating much of African Americano, we have to admit to a more…unsettling truth: black people make a lot of white people uncomfortable, which, in turn, makes black people feel unsafe. It’s a story as old as time (specifically, the time when white people violently colonized and then exploited the entire continent of Africa, and then tried to pretend like it was all suddenly finesies in the last 40 years or so). But the good news is, Bunny Ears has officially solved the problem!
That’s right. It turns out living your best life as an oppressed minority in America is largely a matter of wearing the right style, and here’s some fashion staples that will help you feel both trendy and safe from white power.*
4. The Trendy Thug
Do you wanna get down, but not too down? Then The Trendy Thug might just be for you. It’s the perfect and completely appropriate African American way to look gangsta without security following you around that Nordstrom (j/k. You’ll still definitely get followed). How’s this accomplished, you ask? First, emulate a “hood” style of your choosing, preferably from a “hood” movie that most white people will have seen. We personally recommend Boyz n the Hood or Save The Last Dance. Once you’ve got that down, all you’ll need to do is slap a few Supreme brand stickers on yourself to instantly gain stylish hipster cred.
It’s not dangerous if it’s chic, which is exactly what white people will think. When they see you dressed up in gold chains and du-rags, fear will turn into a knowing wink and nod after seeing that you, too, paid $450 for a t-shirt.**
3. Actual blackface
Looking like a black person is sometimes way safer than actually being a black person. Once white people see a person in black face (in this case, you), they’ll be far too offended to be suspicious! Plus, white people almost never call out racism in public, so you won’t have to deal with anyone chastising you. Instead, they’ll retreat back to their bourgeois abodes and write a 250 word tweet to their 40 white followers about how their post-race colorblind world was rocked that day.
For this to work, really lay it on thick and don’t be afraid to go full minstrel with this bad boy. We’re talking category A racism. By the time you’re done, the results should be so striking that even you will feel like you’ve committed a hate crime.**
2. Actual whiteface
If you can’t beat em, join em! Scientific studies have shown that merely being white reduces your chances of being suspected for a crime—and that’s not even getting into the heinously disproportionate incarceration rates among races! And there are a multitude of other privileges previously unbeknownst to your African American self. Get some white face paint—the same kind clowns use—to cauc yourself up real nice and pale. Then, simply bask in your newfound racial transcendence. Now it won’t even matter how you dress, because white is always the new black.**
1. Dressing like the help
Nostalgia is nature’s most potent weapon, and it’s yours for the taking for fooling crusty old white people and their 1950s prejudices. Dress up exactly like a butler, maid, elevator operator, or any other Jim Crow-era artifact you can get your hands on, and let centuries of racial oppression do the rest. There won’t be any racial profiling if white people are too busy thinking fondly about how great America used to be. You might even get some money out of it from a few rich white people who are feeling patronizingly “generous.”**
*Keep in in mind, figuring out what exactly white people fear and what they don’t isn’t an exact science, and it varies from caucasoid to caucasoid.
**Just make sure to keep your hands where everyone can see them at all times, especially when there’s a chance police will be around. There’s a solid chance you’re in danger, literally no matter what. This still is America.