An Entirely Non-Self Serving Pros and Cons List of Why You Should Hire Me To Help You Shower
For some people, the shower is a place of absolute comfort where you can sing, formulate insane Fresh Prince fan theories, or even shed a few tears without judgment. For others, the shower is a place of vulnerability, where the ultimate embarrassment or a knife-wielding maniac is only separated by the tug of a curtain. But for literally everyone, the shower is first and foremost a place to clean yourself and be almost completely nude. That, new friends, is where I come in. Let me help you shower.
Don’t worry, I’m not a creep or a pervert with a shower fetish. I’m actually here to help you change the way you bathe for the better. Just think of me as a jack of all trades, as long as that trade happens in a shower and doesn’t include the use of my genitals.
Let me ask you this: How much do you pay for your therapist? How much money do you dish out for home security so that weird men wearing pig masks don’t decide to have a private Purge during your shower time? Do you dream of one day making enough money to have your own personal assistant, mere verbiage away from having a modern slave? Think about how much time, energy, and money you would save if your therapist, security guard, and assistant were all one person who came to your house and showered with you. That’s what I’m offering, folks.
If you need to empty your emotional baggage, why not do it when you’re at your most honest, which is butt-ass naked under a stream of relaxing warm water? If you’ve been traumatized ever since you watched Psycho, you’ll have a fully trained yellow belt right beside you in the event of a reenaction. At the very least, I can take the brunt of the attack so you can escape. I’ll even make your schedule and take notes for you while you’re in the clearest head-space possible.
But this is just the tip of the iceberg of the services I can offer you whilst showering. I can personally tutor you in other languages, train you in battle rap, and even ghost-author your pieces for BunnyEars.com! Whatever unusual, obscure need to which I can attend during our mutual showering sessions, consider it done.
Of course, I understand why you might be hesitant to hire me to shower with you—again, with zero sexual expectations or connotations. Obviously, some people have very small showers, and our session could turn into an uncomfortable game of Twister if not handled tactfully. There’s also the matter of trust, to make sure I’m not secretly attempting to record your naked body or share your shower secrets with the world. There’s a not-insignificant possibility that I could be planning a shower ambush, as if I’m some strange, Rumpelstiltskin-esque burglar who is amassing a despicable treasure of shampoo, soap, and loofahs.
While valid, I lament these concerns. Rest assured, I am not a deviant, a traitor, or a Rumpelstiltskin. If I’m getting in a shower with you, I am doing so as a businessman, and the best damn shower-specific businessman in the world. So if you’re looking for someone to bathe with you, work for you, and trust not to be a sexual predator, don’t settle for less. Hire me today!