7 Things You Should Hide From Your Kids Instead Of Eggs This Easter
Easter is the time of year when we celebrate the murder of Jesus – and how he miraculously crawled out of his grave like nothing ever happened – by pretending a giant rabbit broke into your backyard and laid pastel eggs all over the place. None of this makes any sense so we suggest you skip the egg hunt and instead take this time to focus on hiding the things you truly don’t want your kids to find.
Here are 7 things you should hide from your kids this Easter, one for every day of Holy Week.
1) The fact that their father lost their college funds in a Ponzi scheme
They don’t need to know that right now. They’re only 5 and 7. They’ll find out a few years down the line when they literally can’t go to college. They probably won’t get scholarships, either, let’s be honest – we pretty much ruled that out last weekend when Harper stuck his penis in the toaster and Bella tied her own hair so tight around her neck she passed out – but there’s nothing wrong with community college, and maybe, just maybe they can transfer to State after two years. Lots of really successful people have done that. Their own father did that! And he became a highly competent businessman – oh, right, the Ponzi scheme thing.
2) The money you withdrew from the college fund before it was invested in said Ponzi scheme
Good thinking on your part. You knew “contract emu farming” wasn’t a thing, but your husband “had a good feeling about this one”. The kids will be fine going to trade school or marrying someone rich or whatever they end up doing. But you’re gonna need money to provide for them until then. The house isn’t going to clean itself and you can’t take them to soccer practice if you don’t have the latest season Gucci handbag.
3) Sugar and Carbs
If they aren’t going to be smart or successful, they sure as hell better be skinny. So obvi no chocolate Easter eggs or eggs with yolks. And you can’t afford any kind of after-the-fact surgeries anymore (except a few minor facial improvements and a quick tummy tuck for Mummy), so they better start dieting now. Yeah, yeah, healthy stuff, kale and shit, blah blah. But mostly straight up, 80’s style anorexia. And pills. You should start them on their pill regimen now too.
4) Photocopied pages from your childhood journal detailing your dream wedding stapled to divorce papers
Okay, so, this one you do want them to find. Parents splitting up is a tough thing to explain to kids, but there is no harm in using the naive hopes and dreams of yesteryear juxtaposed with the sad reality of the present’s failures to explain for you. Hide it in a prominent place like their pillows or tape the pages to their bathroom mirror and when they find it you can say, “Love is a lie. Figure out who you want to live with. Your father will be busy in his new shitty studio apartment drinking whisky in his underwear, filing for bankruptcy and trying to win back his former secretary who bailed when the emu thing tanked. So you can pretty much do whatever you want over there but I’m keeping the house. Also, I’ll buy you a trampoline and a horse.”
5) The fact that you tried to abort one of them but your husband legally compelled you to carry it to term
Listen, we believe in a woman’s right to choose, but we think you specifically are pretty selfish. Especially because it was all a publicity stunt to make you famous enough to qualify for Celebrity Big Brother, in which you were not even cast. (If they do find out about this we suggest you smooth it over by saying they rose from the dead just like Jesus!)
6) Your birth certificate, driver’s license, social security card, passport, date stamped photographs, high school yearbooks; any and all evidence of your true age.
You are 29, baby girl. You will always be 29 and we don’t need anyone’s greasy, prying little hands finding anything to the contrary, because those devil spawns will one day most likely despise Mummy and try to destroy her life and reputation any way they can.
7) Your packed suitcase
Because fuck this shit, right? The whole perfect family thing did not pan out and you have some salvaged funds, a fresh Brazilian wax and a boyfriend with a timeshare in Aruba. See you at Christmas, kids!
We hope you found these tips helpful and that you use this Easter holiday to renew and strengthen your relationship with your children through deceit, neglect, and narcissism. Or just do the egg thing, whatever. Lame.