Cookie Recipes That Hide The Bitter Taste Of All Those Crushed Pills
You might (okay, you definitely) wanna feel that Xanax, but you certainly don’t wanna taste it. Sure, you could just knock it back with some green juice, but that’s no fun. Ask yourself: What tastes as good as Vicodin feels? The answer, of course, is cookies. Here is our scrumptious cookie recipe that is guaranteed to knock the socks off your book club. Seriously, they will not be okay to drive and probably need to stay over.
1/2 cup unsalted butter
1/3 cup granulated sugar
1/2 cup brown sugar
1 large egg
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/2 cup of baking soda
1/2 teaspoon of salt
1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour
1 1/2 cups semi-sweet chocolate chips
1/3 cup Xanax
1. Melt the butter for mixing. This is very important. It is also important to take this time to do some calming breathing exercises because you haven’t had your crushed pills yet and you’re really on edge.
2. Combine the butter, sugar, egg, vanilla, and flour in a mixing bowl and mix on low speed. As you’re mixing, try not to think about the current circumstances and deep-seated issues that lead you to self-medicate with a baggie of God knows what that you got from a guy in your apartment complex whose name you don’t even know. It’ll all be fine soon. Now add the salt and baking soda.
3. Grind up the pill of your choice. We recommend Xanax with chocolate chip cookies since both are American classics, but feel free to mix it up. If Xanax is no longer enough, try a teaspoon of ketamine. We have a great recipe for cereal cookies called “Special K balls.” If you are in a cram session and need an upper, check out our additional recipe for pecan Adderall sandies. They will make any road trip feel like a fever dream! If you don’t have a mortar and pestle, use a rolling pin, the bottle they came in, or a goddamn hammer. Who cares at this point? Whatever is fastest. Make sure to evenly mix them in. While hitting a chunk of powder in your cookie might feel good, it won’t taste good.
Now We Wait
4. Chill dough in the refrigerator for two hours. This gives you time to clean up and freak out over the prospect of getting ready. If you don’t end up on the floor, you’re not doing it right.
5. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Remove chilled cookie dough and place on a greased baking sheet in small balls about 2 inches apart. Bake for 11-15 minutes or the length of one Sigur Rós song. Let the cookies cool for 10 minutes or whenever your friends arrive. Enjoy these warm, fresh cookies with a cool, creamy glass of Baileys. Don’t worry: That warning on the label about mixing crushed pills with alcohol only applies to the person it was prescribed to.
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