Yellow Is For Fuck Buddies: Learn The New Romantic Language Of Roses
Roses are still the most romantic type of love you can smell, but the language of roses, set down in the old times, just doesn’t suit a modern culture! Yellow, for instance, used to mean “cheerfulness.” Well, guess what, roses, it’s 2019. Don’t tell me to smile and be cheerful! No, it’s clearly time to update the beautiful, poetic language of these fragrant floribundas, and we’ve got you covered.
Yellow Is For Fuck Buddies
This energetic color is the perfect match for the kind of wild, carefree, short-term fucking that results in urinary tract infections. It’s a great way to celebrate that pregnancy test being negative or that day you used blow jobs as a mnemonic device in finals week. Yellow blooms clearly say “I don’t love you, but your butt is satisfactory for now.” Because roses are inherently romantic, you’ll want to attach a card that says “This does not mean we are dating,” just to avoid confusion. It can’t go wrong!
Pink Is For “I Know I Said I Love You, But I Was Just Being Polite”
What is love when it is not love? It’s wussy-ass pastel bullshit, just like pink roses. Pink bouquets are the perfect option for the person you’re taking to prom because all three of your crushes have dates. In marriage, it’s the ideal choice for “We both know I’m fucking my secretary, but it’s Mother’s Day.” In the world of dating, it’s also a great gift option for their birthdays when you’re still not ready to change your relationship status from “single.” How sweet!
Red Is For “I Don’t Know How Romance Works, But I Have Seen Many Movies”
Be wary of red flags if this red rose shows up on your doorstep. Red roses are the hideout of the panicked and a sure sign that your swain has gained their thoughts about romance primarily from early 2000s romantic comedies. Don’t be suckered in by the classic color of passion and romance; these scarlet blossoms are a trap for the truly uncreative, and they just have no place in a world of app entrepreneurs.
White Is For Remembering That Spiritual Threesome You Had At Coachella
Traditionally, white is the color of innocence, purity, and weirdly, funerals. White clearly needs the biggest update of all in the romantic language of roses, which is why we’re making it the rose of woke love. Basically, if you can sell a personal essay about what you learned to Jezebel, it’s an occasion for white.