How To Surreptitiously Moisturize Your Husband
You may think you have the perfect husband. Sure, he cooks, cleans, and makes six figures, but does he moisturize? Probably not. Men don’t respect their own skin. You must use your superior cunning to trick him into accepting moisture into his skin.
Fill Your Shower Head With Lotion
Assuming that your husband showers or that you can at least leave a trail of Doritos leading into the shower that he’ll blindly follow, you can sneak lotion onto his skin via the shower head. Simply unscrew the shower head and fill with lotion. We recommend Mack’s Grease, one of the most effective moisturizers on the market that was almost approved by the F.D.A. When he turns on the shower and stands under the semi-coagulated jets of water mixed with lotion, at least some of it will get on his skin. He may complain that the water is “thicker” than usual, but just reassure him that it has something to do with the pH.
Put Vaseline On His Favorite Chair
Petroleum jelly is great for reviving your skin, forming a protective barrier that traps in moisture, but good luck getting your ignorant, derelict husband to put any on his skin. “What is this, some kind of sex lube?” he says as he tries to fill his mouth up with the potpourri you placed on the coffee table while you carefully redirect his hand into the bowl of potato chips. Knowing that it would take too long to explain to him the difference between Vaseline and personal lubricants, apply a light layer of the petroleum jelly onto his favorite chair instead. His repeated attempts to seat himself and multiple readjustments as he starts to slide off will leave him thoroughly coated.
Play A Game Of “Water” Balloons
Your husband may know jack shit about skin care, but perhaps he’s the playful sort. In that case, fill dozens of balloons with Jergens and announce that you’re having a surprise water balloon fight. True, the density of the lotion may make being struck with a balloon slightly more uncomfortable, but if you introduce a point system, your husband will ignore the pain in order to compete with you for worthless, imaginary points. He will be drenched in lotion by the end of the day, and his skin will be as smooth as a gooey, out-of-breath peach.
Add Nicoderm Juice To The Lotion
Why do we struggle so much to form good habits and fall so easily into bad ones? One word: highly addictive substances. Why not harness this power for the good of your husband’s skin? Simply scrape the nicotine-rich juices from some Nicoderm patches or emulsify some Nicoderm gum and mix them in with some body lotion. Insist that your husband apply it while you watch. Once he’s got that first hit of nicotine lotion, he’ll be hooked. He’ll be doing lines of Aveeno on his arms and rough elbows just to chase that moisture high. Make sure to add random amounts of nicotine to his lotion, using lessons we’ve learned from Skinner box experiments and casino gambling to keep him wanting more. He’ll be in C.V.S. begging for new shipments of Burt’s Bees. He will be an unwilling slave to the lotion, but as long as you start calling it “man jelly,” he’ll adjust.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
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