bunnyears

…Sugar daddy eaten by ants…
…Violent Pokémon dispute sparks trade war…
…Hurricane wipes out town of Duckberg…
…Half The World’s Bees Have Never Seen The Show Seinfeld…
…Local Couple Adopts Blind Dogs And Just Puts Them Down…
…Local white guy “gets it”…
…Report reveals Rice-A-Roni actually from Detroit…
…Mother Struggles To Explain Scott Baio To Her Child…
…Very smart toilet begs for death…
…Opinion: I Have The Best Smile And Coolest Personality …
…Research shows laughter definitely not the best medicine…
…Scientists find that deja vu is just alternate timeline of you dying…
…Breaking – There’s A Spider In Your Pocket…
…Shazaam not a real movie…Google it…
…Confirmed: Everyone is hanging out without you…
…New Boyfriend Eats Imitation Crab Straight From The Package…
…Gordon Ramsay Signed Beef Wellington Sells For 1.6 Million…
…Woman With Scoliosis Has Detailed Knowledge Of Floor-…
…Opinion: We’re In A Golden Age Of Trash Talking…
…Drugs In Water Supply Treat Fish’s Depression…
…13th month discovered between February and March….
…Hospital Cracks Down On Patients Getting Chemo For Fun…
…Spoiler alert: The milk has gone bad…
…Breaking: Absolutely no one wang chunging tonight…
…Man pretty sure Game Of Thrones is historically accurate…
…According to studies accordions are unsteady…
…Your Dog Might Have A Secret Passport…
… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
…Don’t Forget To Grab Milk…
…Update: Only very tiny hats now cool…
…Quiz: Is This The Good Milk?…
…Study: Loss Of Car Leads To 1000% Catcalling Increase…
…Survey finds startling amount of ghosts are racist….
…Woman Memorizes Snapple Fact In Case Tonight’s Party Is That Bad…
…A New Generation Of Turtles Are Learning Martial Arts…
…Help, I’m Trapped In A Headline Writing Factory. Details To Follow…
…Bunny Ears wins prestigious Bunny Ears website of the year award at the Bunny Ears Awards…
…Big dick energy drink selling poorly…
…Against All Odds, Man Learns To Dance…
…According to studies studying causes cancer…
…Unusually Buff Dog Not Breaking Eye Contact…
…Dollars to donuts exchange crashing…
…’Glow Up’ Discovered To Just Be DBZ Reference…
…Am I standing right behind you? The answer might surprise you!…
…Santa is real, and he lives in your crawl space….
…Scientists Discover A Lot Of Cool Junk In Older Brother’s Room…
…Man discovers woman already knows thing he was going to tell her….
…Fourth grade teacher found to be not as hot as you remember…
…Adult Hearing Mom Use Their Full Name Still Terrified…
…Reported discovery of new planet turns out to be your mom…
…Single 32 Year Old Patiently Waits For Friends To Get Divorced…
…Children May Be Stupider And Weaker Than Previously Thought…
…Email From Mom Has 4 FWDs In Subject Line…
…Did Tupac fake his birth?…
…Chill Girlfriend Constantly Suppressing Everything…
…Millennials Are Disrupting The Banjo Industry…
…Single Woman Manages To Meet Food Delivery Minimum…
…6 Year Online Romance Ends In Weird Handshake…

Emotional Roller Coasters To Rival Any Theme Park

A roller coaster is really just a crude metaphor for the turbulent, gut-wrenching path our lives take as we slowly ascend the years with bellies full of sickening dread to the inevitable plummet towards death, so why bother with the lines and expense of an actual theme park when you can experience the same terror and turmoil in the comfort of your own home? We’ve compared a few famous roller coasters to their familial counterparts to help you craft your own perfect “Stop the ride! I want to get off!” experience.

The Oldest Operating Roller Coaster In The World vs. Your Grandma

Leap-The-Dips in Lakemont Park in Altoona, Pennsylvania ain’t got nothin’ on your similarly aged grandmother! Sure, this roller coaster uses nothing but the law of gravity and physics to clasp itself to the track, much like the tenacious claw grip of your grandma’s will to dominate that keeps her barely clinging to life, but if you pitted the two in battle, your grandma would beat Leap-the-Dips down to a mangled pile of wooden bones with her death stare and raised spatula alone.

Fear of heights is nothing compared to fear of God, and your grandma shoved that shit so deep inside your subconscious you’ll never be able to “om” it away completely. L-T-D has old world charm, but your grandma has old world guilt, and she will never let you forget all the ways you’ve let her down. Why don’t you bring her a Scotch, ask her what things were like in “her day,” and really get into it? And by the way, why aren’t you married yet Are you a homosexual?

DON’T MISS:  Organic Scarecrow: Save The Planet By Dressing An Ancient Mummy In Overalls

#1 Wooden Coaster vs. #1 Dad

He was never around. You don’t even consider him to be your father. But this year, he actually sent you a birthday card somewhat near your actual birthday, and he actually said he wanted to see you. Is he dying? You should find out. Go to his crummy apartment and see what he wants. Of course, he wants money.

Maybe it’s time to tell him how angry you are at him for abandoning you and your mom, always letting you down, and coming around less and less frequently as the years passed until you nearly forgot his face and all you could conjure in your mind’s eye when you thought of him was your searing white hot rage. Maybe it’s time to tell him one of the driving forces that pushed you to be the best athlete, the best student, and the best doctor was the aching pit inside of you that yearned to be filled with his love and approval.

But you don’t. Your words get caught in a lump your throat and you’d rather die than let him see you cry. You just give him money and leave, thinking about the El Toro at Six Flags Great Adventure in Jackson, New Jersey. He said he would take you there once. Yeah, the man who couldn’t even manage to take you to the Baskin-Robbins down the street said he was going to take you on a world tour of all the best roller coasters. And you believed him.

DON’T MISS:  I Smoked Weed for the First Time and It Changed My Life (and Yours)

The Darkness Of Space vs. The Darkness Within Your Sister

The coolest thing about Space Mountain in Disney World is that it reminds you of your big sister. It was always your favorite ride on your family trips to Orlando because you remember it made you feel like you were finally in her league, like you could be equals. After you enter through the flashy blue hyperspeed light tunnel, you enter a black void. You’re completely at the mercy of the ride, taking tight twists and turns and dropping suddenly without warning.  This really reminds you of your sister, because asking an innocuous question like how she’s enjoying her salad can sometimes shoot you suddenly through hyperspace and into a meltdown about how alone she is, which quickly veers into a tirade about your responsibility for her unhappiness, only to death drop to a full hour of silence and then emerge from the darkness and into the Florida sunshine like nothing ever happened and the salad is fine.

Theme parks might be fleetingly fun, but I think you’ll agree that emotional roller coasters are the way to go. After all, roller coasters are only about two minutes long, but trauma is forever.

Images: Pexels, Pixabay, Pixabay, Pexels

You Might Also Like

I Don’t Eat Scary Red Foods And You Shouldn’t Either!

Red is the color of stop and blood!

Read More

Fall Activities That Are More Fun With The Cloaked Man

His name and intent remain unknown.

Read More

I’m Avoiding Holiday Weight Gain By Alienating My Friends And Family  

Because nothing feels as good as fitting into designer skinny jeans. Not even love.

Read More
1 Comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

Stalk Us

Video of the Week

We’re Back, Baby! Take THAT, Sawa!