Fresh Herbs To Plant In That Indent Left By Your Waistband
Most contemporary D.I.Y. herb gardens involve heinous things like manual labor, mason jars, and/or rustic planter boxes, all of which clash with your minimalist, non-peasant aesthetic. Well, minimalism is about finding multifunctionality in items you already own, and oftentimes, the solution is right under your nose—or, in this case, under your belly button. That ever-present skin valley left behind by your favorite, tightest pants, shorts, and skirts make the perfect trench in which to cultivate an indoor herb garden of your own without exerting any energy beyond slipping into and out of the mercilessly uncomfortable clothes you already wear.
First, select the herb most compatible with your preferred indent type.
With its wispy stems and feathery leaflets, thyme may not work for more ticklish tummy planters, but it is perfect for those who wear a lot of pantyhose, resulting in a narrower skin divot. To prep the plot, make sure that you walk around for a few hours with your tights rolled down to where the waistband of your panties meets that of your skirt in a way that squeezes off circulation but would be obscene to try to adjust in public.
Basil can grow quite tall when given room to spread its roots, requiring a thick, wide waistband found exclusively on ’80s denim. Throw on your favorite jeans from college, the ones you keep in a secret memory box in your closet with weed paraphernalia and photographs of your multiple, mysteriously deceased spouses. Sit with your arms and legs extended forward as you try to touch your toes until you feel every letter on each button of the fly fully imprint itself onto your patch of flesh.
Mint is fast growing and fragrant, quickly filling any space you offer it, making it a bumper crop for your buck. Luckily, your delusion about not being a size 2 anymore keeps you in Lulus that are four sizes too small, and the constant squirming results in spandex striations so deep and bountiful, they’d make old John Deere jealous.
Select a cozy tract of countertop and lie down, packing the herbs tightly in place with organic potting soil. Wait for your partner to find you there, then ask them to sprinkle filtered water over the area. Be careful not to overdo it, as the traditional human abdomen does not come equipped with adequate drainage. If you live alone, do not attempt to water yourself, as single people are not deserving of fresh herbs.
Stay put through the end of the growing season (typically autumn) so as not to disturb the plants. Under ideal conditions, the fresh herbs may skip dormancy altogether, in which case you should remain still through the winter, too. Just make sure to stack a book or two near the garden site and quit any jobs or obligations you may have in advance of your planting session.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
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