We here at Bunny Ears believe there is a powerful connection between the body and the spirit, as well as between humanity and the natural world. In our modern lives, full of electronic and intellectual distractions, these connections can grow fuzzy, and over time, even be lost. And for many people, one of the most satisfying ways to harmonize body and soul with nature is whipping out their hoo-ha or hoo-dilly right under the open Sun and just going to town on themselves.
While there is no right way to beat the meat or roll the track ball, taking it outdoors can present some unique challenges. But by keeping just a few things in mind, you can get the most out of your sticky, earthy journey—and also stay out of jail.
Choose Your Spot
The most important thing is location, location, location. Think “secluded forest,” not “restaurant patio.” Unfortunately, it really doesn’t matter if you feel the strongest vibes from the moon goddess on your neighbor’s deck. Legally, they have the right to forbid you from standing on it, particularly completely nude and actively ejaculating. What can you do? They’re squares, and squares have the best lawyers. Not everyone will understand your personal spiritual journey, and you must meditate on this until you reach acceptance—as far away as legally required.
If you’re not accustomed to jerkin’ the gherkin or circling the block in the great outdoors, don’t make the mistake of thinking all you need are your genitals and your righty. Sure, our cavemen ancestors bopped the bologna and turned up the iPod with nothing more than what Gaia gave them, but they were probably really chafed. Make sure you have lube, toys, photos—whatever it is you need to fully reach nirvana. Consider building what we like to call a “masturbation cave” in your favorite clearing. What you’ll sacrifice in fresh air and sunlight dancing across your bare foreskin or labia you’ll more than make up for in privacy and coyote-free zones. Probably wouldn’t hurt to throw a towel in there, too. Just because her name is Mother Nature doesn’t mean she has to clean up after you.
All of this should serve to minimize your contact with other individuals during this deeply personal and spiritual undertaking, but should someone unintentionally happen upon you, it’s important to behave with humility and grace. If at all possible, try not to jerk off at anyone. Until the intruder passes, you should probably stop jerking off altogether, especially if they happen to be cops. You’d be surprised how many cops there are in the woods apparently looking for people masturbating. They’re sick, sick people.
Don’t let fear deter you from your path to spiritual fulfillment through jerking off outside. As with anything, a little preparation can save you a lot of pain (figuratively, but also literally if you carelessly jerk it while sitting on some poison oak). Now go forth, children of Earth, and spill your seed or … I’m sorry, there’s no gynecological equivalent.