We Found Carmen Sandiego, She Was Just in the Bathroom for a Really Long Time
Okay, this is awkward. I know we’ve turned looking for Carmen into a whole “thing,” but it turns out she has I.B.S. That’s right, Carmen Sandiego was in the bathroom for a reeeeally long time. Obviously, this is embarrassing, so let’s just all try and pretend like we didn’t notice, cool? Everyone just be chill, and for the love of God, stop humming that theme song. I know it’s so damn catchy, but honestly, we really beefed this one up. Poor Carmen.
God, I just feel so awful. I think this means we have to cancel that cartoon reboot. I feel like she’s definitely going to notice that once she comes out of the bathroom. Although, who knows? It could be a while longer. If she could just stay in there for, like, four more seasons, that would be great. Should we slide a magazine under the door or something?
Ugh, I feel like such a freaking idiot right now. We looked everywhere. We’ve been running around out here like “Is she in Brazil? Is she in Monaco?” No, she’s in the Denny’s in Poughkeepsie, right where we left her. It’s not even a Denny’s anymore. I think it’s a bank now, but Carmen Sandiego’s in the bathroom still. Man, I.B.S. is a real bitch.
I’m telling you, we looked in ridiculous places. Space, the past, North Dakota. But nobody checked the Denny’s bathroom until literally just now. How is that freaking possible? I mean, to be fair, we also never checked San Diego, which seems like the logical first choice.
Oh, man, I just realized we made all of this speculation around her character. Is she a villain? Is she a hero? It turns out she’s just a girl who really shouldn’t have eaten so many maple bacon pancakes. We’ve all been there, right?
Should we be worried? Should we go check on her? That seems awkward. I think I’ll release a new commemorative Snapchat game instead to raise awareness for I.B.S. Whenever someone sits on a toilet, I want them to think of Carmen Sandiego. I’m sure that’s what she would want.