Easy Diet Changes To Make You Healthier, Happier, and Afraid To Eat
Trying to maintain a healthy lifestyle is work, but it’s work worth doing. If you don’t eat healthy, you’ll die, like, super fast. Death doesn’t have to be inevitable! We can control anything if we just try hard enough! We at Bunny Ears want you to stay healthy and alive forever, even if it means that you live the rest of your life scared of everything that could land on your plate. Here are our simple, healthy choices!
Avoid Anything Processed
Don’t just do Whole30—do WholeYourEntireLife! If it’s processed at all, you shouldn’t put it in your body. You may not be a caveman, but your ancestors were once, and they were way healthier than you. Processing food is spitting in your ancestors’ faces, saying “I don’t care that I’m your offspring’s offspring’s offspring’s, I’m gonna fuck up this body!”
Cut Out Anything With Grain
Obviously, gluten is out and has been for ages, but did you know grains are actually made by Satan? Yeah. When he fell from Heaven, it was a really long fall, so he decided to invent grains so he had something to do. Not only are they the first thing to make you fat, they could destroy your intestines as long as you have the most fashionable autoimmune disorders. You do, right?
Make Sure Your Protein Is Pure
Protein so important, but if you eat anything that isn’t pure, you might as well drink real grain! If it’s meat, you have to make sure it is grass-fed but also that the grass has never touched anything else. Like, not even a bug. Once you have verified that your meat only ate the cleanest grass, you have to make sure it’s from an animal that has never sinned. If you eat meat from an animal that has sinned, you’ve essentially multiplied that sin by five. Definitely never eat pork. That’s, like, sin squared.
Throw Out Anything With Fiber
Beans are just dirty protein and fiber. They make you a gross fart-ball, and they soak up all the sins and toxins that animals and humans leave behind. That’s what beans do. They soak up stuff. Fiber is also in all fruits and veggies, so cut that crap out.
There’s No Such Thing As A Good Fat
Since all fat comes from the toxic Earth or even more disgusting animals, good fats are a simple myth. Yes, even avocado oil. Avocados are the second thing that Satan made during his fall to Earth. It looks all green and healthy and tastes goo, but it’s a lie that is trying to kill you with its fat.
Drink Exactly Enough Water
Like, exactly enough. If you drink one drop more or fewer than you are supposed to ingest, you might as well just say “Fuck it” and drink soda forever because it will kill you just as fast.
It’s not hard to make these small changes in your life. It just takes a little planning and a ton of constant anxiety about what ends up on your plate until you just cry every time breakfast, lunch, or dinner rolls around. Have fun!
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…