Thanksgiving Recipes The Whole Family Better Fucking Agree On
I swear to fucking God they better after all of this bullshit I went through this year.
Meditative Things White People Can Do While Black People Attempt To Explain White Privilege
There are many ways to handle being called out by black people, so here are our favorites!
Can You Screw Up Pizza? We’re Gonna Try!
You know what they say: You can’t screw up pizza! But we’re gonna try.
Make Your Relationship As Good As The One I Have With This BBQ Pulled Pork Macaroni And Cheese
Relationships can be tough, but when you find your perfect other half, you’ll be amazed by how easy things can be. I personally feel so lucky to be in a relationship that’s so intuitive and carefree. I am, of course, talking about my relationship with this barbecue pulled pork macaroni and cheese. It’s a simple […]
We Duplicated This $50 Green Smoothie at Home by Blending Dollar Bills into a Regular Smoothie
We’re so excited about our favorite green smoothie at Bile, Los Angeles’s opulent private juice dojo, that we decided to try making one at home. The object of our obsession is the Manaus, a jade green superfood confection made with a touch of poison dart frog venom for paralyzing the face’s unnecessary smiling muscles. We […]
Culinary Experiments That Are Also Depressing Thought Experiments
You know what they say: Candy is dandy, but the call of the void will send you spiraling down into an existential crisis. No matter how much you try to avoid it, there will be times in your life when you’ll question the meaning of everything and, indeed, the very nature of the universe. So […]
Simple Juice Cleanses To Help You Trim Down On Excess Friends
Juice cleanses are a quick and effective method to trim down on dead weight and stagnant energy. Why not give yourself a break from all that oppressive and exhausting chewing you’ve been doing and treat yourself to a juice cleanse that will help you restart your system and find out who your true friends are […]
Forget Sunscreen, Moisturizer and Wound Dressing—Try Mack’s Grease!
Forget moisturizer, anti aging cream, acne products, facial cleanser, medical hazard eye wash, propranolol, peanut butter so your dog will take her pills, lip balm, wound balm, elbow balm, elephant balm—forget all the balms! Forget cyst rub, antifungal cream, antibacterial cream, engine lube and Abreva. In fact, forget going to doctors, dentists, and car mechanics […]
The Best Lip Glosses To Pretend You’re Not Just Gonna Eat
Hey grown ups! You’re mature, responsible, and prepared for life. You eat food that’s food! Right? That’s why flavored lip glosses aren’t a cruel test of temptation for you, you competent person you. Who are we kidding? You’re gonna eat this shit. You’re gonna slop it on your face and eat it. You’re gonna lick […]
Healthy and Delicious Veggies That Will Make You Feel Like You’re Looking at Deepak Chopra
It’s rumored that Sigmund Freud once said, “Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.” We get you, Sigmund. Trying to find deeper meaning in random things is a fool’s errand – unless you’re talking about healthy and delicious vegetables that will make you feel like you’re looking at Deepak Chopra. I know I’m not […]
Start Your Everyday Retox With These Dr Pepper and Cap’n Crunch Recipes
We all know how important it is to detox daily. You need to flush out all the harmful, negative toxins you collected from the craft gin and kale flights from the night before, but simply sweating them out in your home sauna isn’t going to separate the Dijon. You need to be totally invested in […]
We Tried The Meal Slurry Silicon Valley Elites Call ‘A Necessary Evil’
“Fortifying.” “Disgusting.” “Illegally procured hyena meat.” These are just some of the words and phrases Silicon Valley elites are using to describe Splopr, the hot new meal slurry they believe is necessary now. Packed full of consonants and something called “unfiltered nature liquids,” Splopr is the essence of what Silicon Valley considers healthy. Yes, it also […]
I Ate a Mysterious Himalayan Superfood and Now Everyone Has a Clock Counting Down Over Their Heads
My life is so hectic that I need all my nutrients crammed into me as efficiently as possible. That’s why I never leave the house before having my protein shake suppository inserted. I got so excited when my dog sitter’s doula told me about the wonders of Sujuk that I just needed to buy the […]
These Delicious Vegan Snacks Are Actually From Underneath The Brooklyn Bridge
Let’s face it: It’s not easy being a vegan on the go. You can’t just throw a bunch of produce in your purse and walk around like you’re Bugs fuckin’ Bunny, chompin’ on a carrot all day. Yes, you’re an above average human, but you still need to snack every now and then like the […]
Summertime Treat! Freeze Your Eggs
Everyone knows the best impulse purchases involve fertility, copious doctors’ visits, and disclosing your social security number on medical forms. And is there any better way to beat the summer heat than taking your freshly harvested, frozen eggs in a cooler to all your summer picnics? We don’t think so! That’s why we at Bunny […]
Recipe: All-Natural Homemade Four Loko
2010 was a dark year: There was that earthquake in Haiti, Ronnie James Dio died, and Four Loko got banned. Sure, it came back, but only as a shell of its former self, with none of the delicious stimulants that got us totally lit. But you’re older now, wiser. You’re horrified that you used to […]
I Drank Raw Water From My A.C. And I Feel Like A New Woman
Along with stem cell facials, human blood bags, and not letting your workers unionize, raw water is all the rage in Silicon Valley. But what do you do if there are no natural springs or rivers near your home? I have found the perfect solution to this problem. I discovered a naturally occurring water source […]
I Tried The Blood Type Diet And Oh Boy Is Finding Blood To Drink Harder Than It Sounds
Look, I’ve tried just about every diet under the sun and I can tell you, most of them are false promises and retained water weight. All those carb-based diets leave you feeling sluggish. Atkins? Maybe if you want gout. Vegan? I’m not a rabbit, thanks. I had started to give up. I thought I would […]
These Delicious Desserts Make Up for the Ugly Things You Did While Drunk!
Earlier this year, I may have ill-advisedly shared five cocktail recipes with Bunny Ears readers during a, um, difficult time in my personal life. In the midst of a brutal divorce, I succumbed to the devil brew, and I was advised by my “lawyer” to check into a rehabilitation facility. I’m happy to report that I’m […]
Craft The Perfect School Lunch To Make The Other Children Ashamed Of Their Own Mothers
A lovingly crafted school lunch serves an important function in your child’s life, sending the message to the rest of the children that their mothers are inferior to you. Do you want to send your precious baby to school in a sparkling Tesla with fresh gourmet entrees or a filthy Yaris full of processed meat cubes? […]
Are You Eating Enough Nostalgic Food?
Food trends may come and go, but the foods you ate as a child ironically never go out of style. Most importantly, our bodies recognize the spiritual nutrients of nostalgic foods and manifest repair on a cellular level, returning us to our younger, healthier selves. Scientific facts like these help experts (like me!) recommend a […]
Condiment Pie: The Millennial Snack Craze That’s Financially Necessary
What’s the best way for a millennial to relax after a long week of killing our nation’s greatest industries? Why, condiment pie, of course! Condiment pie is a beautiful trend that combines all the wholesome goodness of regular pie with spending zero money. Here’s how you make it: Step One: Save Your Old Pizza And […]
Forget the Toblerone Tunnel, Try The Cake Pop Pussy And These Other Food-Related Body Trends
We’ve come a long way as a society as far as accepting that bodily perfection, ideally in terms of delicious food items you won’t be allowed to eat, is a requirement for personhood. In 2013, we first admitted that if you don’t have a thigh gap, you’re a garbage human. More recently, it was the […]
Hobby Farms: Why My Family’s Time Means Nothing to Me
There are a lot of pros and cons to hobby farms. I don’t know what they are. I did little to no research before starting a hobby farm, to the detriment of my relationship with my wife, my relationship with my children, and my relationship with the laws of the land. But since I own […]
The Best Apple Pie Recipe Given I Fucking Hate Apples
Ah, Fall. In Upstate New York there isn’t much to look forward to the rest of the year. Our winters are bleak and freezing, and summers are muggy and gross. But we do one thing better than anywhere else: apples. So many apples. We even have apple festivals. Oh, boy. You have not lived until […]
Wake Up, Sheeple: Peanut Allergies Don’t Exist
Everyone knows the Western medical industrial complex pumps the American people full of lies along with the occasional life-saving antibiotics. They tell us vaccines are safe, even though we have an entire (officially discredited, whatever) study proving otherwise. They insist that most people have no trouble digesting gluten but refuse to explain why my aura […]
Fun Menstruation-Themed Recipes For Your Daughter’s Menarche Celebration Party
It’s time to plan the most important day of your daughter’s life, other than her marriage to a rich Doctor Without Borders. Menarche is a woman’s first period, when she blossoms from a young bud into a magnificent, pimply flower. Too often, a woman’s period is stigmatized and shunned, so no matter how much your […]
Snackchat: Eat Healthier By Talking Food Into Being Less Fatty
Unhealthy food understands it’s our prey, so it releases toxic sugars and fats into our bodies as a self-defense mechanism when we eat. But it doesn’t have to be this way. For so long, diets have unfairly disparaged unhealthy food without taking a second to consider whether our cakes and fries would harm us if […]
Extremely Local Eating: Steal From Your Neighbor’s Garden
Eating locally is an important way to make sure everyone knows you care about the environment and also don’t need to eat cheap Mexican fruit. Of course, the best way to do that is to cultivate your very own vegetable garden. It doesn’t get much more local than right outside your artfully decorated terrace. The […]
The Ultimate Green Diet: Eat Your Waste For A Slimmer Waist!
As the resident environmentalist at Bunny Ears, it should be no surprise to anyone that I’m absolutely disgusted by everyone and everything. From the wasteful scourge that loves to punish Mother Earth with their repugnant, neverending consumption to the phonies who think that recycling plastics and buying hybrids make them eco-friendly, I’ve been on my […]
How To Cook The Perfect Salmon Depending On Your Zodiac Sign
The Zodiac guides us through challenges in life. The stars are as wise as they are numerous, and strongly advise which recipes you should use to prepare salmon! Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19) Those who fall under the sign of Aries are teeming with chaotic energy. Mars, god of war, compels you to seek […]
This Poached Egg Hack Will Totally Ruin Your Marriage!
Poaching eggs is difficult, and so is marriage. They’re both hard to keep together. Any time you poach an egg, it could end up a runny, drippy mess, just like my husband Sean’s penis. Hi, Sean! Your shower technique is bad and your genitals are disgusting. Anyway, here’s a poached egg hack that will totally […]
I Ate Soap For A Week So Now I Can Say Whatever The Fuck I Want To
I’m usually a bubbly, effervescent kind of person, but a few months ago I found myself feeling guilty about the way I was acting. I was letting stress get the best of me, and it was most often expressed through absolutely foul language. Real nasty stuff. Some stuff I’m pretty sure I invented. Regardless of […]
What To Do With All That Clay You’ve Failed to Digest
By now, you’ve probably heard about Shailene Woodley’s advice to eat clay to rid your body of heavy metals and negative isotopes. No one knows what those are, but if you want to be pretty and rich like Shailene, you better have started adding a heaping side of earthenware to every meal. But Shailene never […]
The Perfect Grilled Cheese Sandwich Recipe
When I was a boy, I lived on a farm. Farm life was tough, but you quickly learned the ways of the world. I remember my grandfather took me to one of the pens, I must have been about 5 or 6, and he showed me one of the sick mares. He explained how he […]
You Have To Try This Amazing Mac and Cheese Recipe
I don’t remember why I walked into the Barnes and Noble that day. Maybe it was because it was raining and I didn’t have an umbrella. I never have an umbrella when I need one; You always thought that was a charming idiosyncrasy, but I think it belies a naivety – an unpreparedness for the […]
The Beginner’s Guide To Strip Club Dining
Welcome to The Beginner’s Guide to [Blank], our recurring series where our experts provide everything you need to know about your new endeavor, regardless of what it is. Life is full of exciting opportunities, and while it’s fine to tackle a new adventure on your own, we here at Bunny Ears know that it’s better […]
Travel Guide: The Car Trunk You’re Locked In
There’s a whole world of fun back there to enjoy while the goons drive you to the murder spot.
Recipes For Your Ecstasy-Fueled PTA Potluck
Your annual Parent-Teacher Association potluck meetings are usually fraught with tension as parents and school faculty tussle to craft a wholesome learning environment while scarfing down microwaved potato skins. But with a little innocent subterfuge, a few crowd-pleasing recipes, and a bag full of ecstasy pills shaped like Spider-Man’s head, you can turn your stuffy […]
“Birding” Brings Avian Alimentary Process to Hip New Heights
You’d barely notice Mama Bird’s Cafe if you didn’t already know what to look for. Tucked in the back corner of a parking lot in Echo Park, next to a launderette, a cigarette stand, and something called “Dr. Funsicle’s Mystery Shop of Edu-tainment,” is a small room containing four elegantly dressed tables. There’s a sign […]