Start Your Everyday Retox With These Dr Pepper and Cap'n Crunch Recipes
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Start Your Everyday Retox With These Dr Pepper and Cap’n Crunch Recipes

We all know how important it is to detox daily. You need to flush out all the harmful, negative toxins you collected from the craft gin and kale flights from the night before, but simply sweating them out in your home sauna isn’t going to separate the Dijon. You need to be totally invested in keeping your toxicity spectrum as elegantly balanced as Russell Brand’s facial hair, and that balance means retoxification – for what is yin without its yang?

Retoxing creates a stable layer of toxins in your body that other toxins can latch onto. Think of it as the base of a soup, like chicken stock, or orange juice in a mimosa. It’s the blank canvas on which your body will paint the rest of the toxins you imbibe, creating a firm net of corrosive poison for your detox regimen to easily latch onto and remove. Think of it like this – it’s much easier to trap vagrant children on your property with birthday cake than with egg white omelets. Once they’ve all glomed on to the cake, you simply have your groundskeeper drag it to the end of the street, and now you don’t have to settle any lawsuits over refusing to build an ugly fence around your glorious bi-level swimming pool. An everyday retox is the exact same process, only conducted inside your body!

There are plenty of everyday retox recipes out there for you to choose from, but today, we’re going to share one of our favorites – Dr Pepper and Cap’n Crunch. Now, you may be unfamiliar with the ingredients, but don’t worry. They’re actually very easy to find. The next time you head to Pavilions on a vodka run, just flag down one of the employees and they’ll show you where to find them in the children’s section.

First, you’re going to create the base layer of your retox, which is the Cap’n Crunch. Cap’n Crunch is a nice binding agent, much like almond flour, only considerably more violent. Measure out 2 cups into a reasonably sized salad bowl, and then fill that bowl with Dr Pepper to one finger width below the lip. Dr Pepper is a liquid confection alarmingly high in sodium, so its salty sweetness will mingle well with the harsh, mangling sweetness of the Cap’n Crunch. Now, just grab a spoon and dig in! You’ll feel the toxins begin to dissolve your teeth almost immediately, and before long you’ll notice a painful bloating in your abdomen. That’s the slow corrosion of your stomach lining you’re feeling, and that means the retox is working!

If the titular crunch of the Cap’n Crunch proves to be too formidable, or for instance if you’ve just had your teeth capped, you can simply pour the bowl into your blender and use the ice crush setting to make yourself a delicious retox smoothie! Add a single-celled organism from your bathroom floor for a nice protein boost and additional toxin supplement.

If you’re feeling adventurous about your Cap’n Pepper retox, feel free to experiment with the recipe! You can reduce the Dr Pepper into a nice glaze, with a burnt plastic aroma that will challenge your palate, and drizzle it over a plate of Cap’n Crunch. Soak 1 cup of Cap’n Crunch in 1 cup of Dr Pepper for 40 minutes, then use cheese cloth to strain the Cap’n Crunch into a glass, line the rim with crushed Cap’n Crunch, and enjoy! And if you want immediate retox results, lay out a towel and a bucket and give yourself a Cap’n Pepper enema. We guarantee that once you add retoxing to your daily routine, your detoxes are going to feel 100% more invigorating!

Tom Reimann
Tom Reimann

Author - Immortal

Tom Reimann is a comedian, writer, and podcast host. His work has been featured on Cracked.com, MAD magazine, and Earwolf. He can only be destroyed by saying his name backwards in German.

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