Spiritual friends, the stars spoke to me via a cloud of pumpkin spice and turkey trimmings. That’s right, the air has turned from spooky to soggy, and that means it’s almost Thanksgiving! This cherished holiday means many things to many people, but for most of us, it unfortunately means family. That’s why, this year, your holiday horoscope skips over romance, weight gain, and choking incidents and reveals exactly why your mom will be mad at you.
Aries: The powerful space ram in your stars makes you strong-willed and unafraid of conflict, which is great because this year, you and your mom are going nine rounds over why Tucker Carlson is not “the cutest.”
Taurus: Thanksgiving might as well be called Taurus-giving because there’s nothing your Ferdinand heart loves more that providing for your family. Unfortunately, instead of doing that, you’re going to be locked in the guest room with your mom, whisper-screaming at each other about whether to tell the guests her “vegetarian stuffing” has chicken broth in it. She insists it doesn’t count. It counts.
Gemini: Mom really doesn’t think it’s fair you managed to get knocked up again (her words) just as your sister might possibly have finally met a guy who might maybe be the one to finally propose. Why can’t you be more sensitive to her?
Cancer: Cancers are naturally conflict averse, which is unfortunate because it’s an even-numbered year, therefore your mother is insisting to you in private that she’s finally ready to divorce your father. This wasn’t fun when you were six, and it isn’t fun now, either!
Leo: Mom really doesn’t think it’s fair you brought your new almost-boyfriend home, stealing all the attention from your newly knocked-up sister. Why can’t you be more sensitive to her?
Virgo: The horoscope contains one perfectionist, and it’s you, Virgo! Well, according to your mom, there’s just a few teensy-weensy things you could do better. Like not wearing that shade of blue that makes you ashy. But not that shade of blue, either, it’s too cool for you. Oh, well, just a tiny few things, right? After all, everyone can do a little better, right? Even in those jeans.
Libra: Your mother would like to host a “Native American Thanksgiving” featuring traditional dishes. Your ancestors are entirely from Finland. Any way you fight this one, everyone loses.
Scorpio: Scorpios are always ready for a fight, so you might feel bulletproof. But guess what, mommy knows you, and that’s why she has out baby photos and is looking at you like a sad hound-dog, wondering why you don’t live any closer. Apologize and move home; it’s the only way. Your wife and kids will understand.
Sagittarius: Mom thinks your CBD oil is a gateway drug, and anyway, your fibromyalgia is all in your head. Mom will think about this less if you slip some into her mulled cider. We’re not telling you to drug your Mom; we’re telling you drugging your mom could shut her up.
Capricorn: It’s your hair.
Aquarius: Don’t fall into the cliche of thinking your mom can’t install a web browser on her own. She’s sharp, she’s savvy, she hasn’t figured out how to delete her history settings, and she’s mad that you clicked her special link to Daniel Craig porn. But you’re a modern adult, so maybe this is an opportunity for bonding? Or, if you browse her history further, bondage?
Pisces: Sadly, you lost your mom in childhood, which is why it will come as a real shock when she starts haunting you on Thanksgiving. She is not pleased about your dad’s “new one,” and she expects you to break them up. Are you really gonna argue with your dead mom?