Horoscopes To Tell You Which Fight To Have With Mom On Thanksgiving
Cigarettes linked to cancer!
…Christmas Scheduled to Happen Again This Year…
…Waldo still missing…
…Teeth Found To Be Tongue Prison…
…Trump Asks Media “What’s A Tariff?”…
…Dog’s Feet Smell Like Vacuum Cleaner Bag…
…San Francisco and Oakland make up; will become one city…
…Forever 21 Turns 34 this year…
…Hats are cool…
…Forks and outlets: you decide…
…“Specialist” not a real designation…
…9 Out Of 10 Dentists Agree: Africa Is Not A Country…
…City Announces Subway Being Rebranded As “Uber Metro”…
…Queen Kong???…
…Newest Gaming Trend: Personal Space…
…Secret Ingredient To Sushi Discovered: FISH…
…Local Mom Still Talking About Tupperware…
…Medieval Times to get modern update…
…Mannequins found in store window…
…Man Wakes Up From 10 Year Coma, Asks, “What’s Up With Lance Armstrong?”…
…Supreme Court Rules: We Rule! …
…Police Discover Two Bodies In Witch’s Oven…
…Four turtles and a rat found dead of toxic poisoning…
…Study finds that 9 out of 10 studies are for nerds…
…AMBER ALERT: Amber Tamblyn…
…Hillary Clinton Still Roaming The Woods…
…”Peacoat” not what name suggests…
…Ophthalmologist: Glasses Are Sexy…
…10 Out Of 10 Car Salesmen Agree, You Need A New Car…
…Quiz: Does He Know You’re Illiterate? …
…RIP KOKO…
…Cancer and Death to marry… cigarettes devastated…
…Colonel Sanders Found to Have Never Served in the Military…
…BREAKING NEWS: Dumb Is Spelled With A ‘B’…
…Lindbergh baby missing…
…AMBER ALERT: Tiffany Amber Thiessen…
…Corks Found To Only Be Holding Things Back…
… Red and Yellow Is The New Black…
…Quiz: Which 90s Murderer Are You?…
… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
…Roast Beef: Lunch Meat or Middle Toe? Little Piggies Respond…
…Quiz: Do You Have A Savior Complex Or Are You Just Jesus?…
…9 Out Of 10 Dentists Agree: Vacuums Suck…
Cancer linked to death!
…Entertainment personality ahead in the polls…
…15 found dead in Warner Bros. Water Tower, at the Warner Movie lot…
…God found dead in space…
…AMBER ALERT: Spoon; Last seen running away with a Dish…
…BREAKING: Grandmother Not Actually As Proud Of You As She Says…
…Scientists find that Vaping is dope AF…
…BREAKING NEWS: New Yorkers shocked to learn Staten Island isn’t part of New Jersey…
…Murder Victim Speaks Out…
…Snow Is Just Rain That Forgot To Melt…
…The Academy Awards ‘In Memoriam’ Forgets To Mention Macaulay Culkin For The Third Year In A Row…
…Psychic Predicts World Already Over…
…Tropic of Cancer sues Caribbean Medical Board for copyright infringement…
…BitCoins Revealed To Be Pogs All Along…
…Thoughts and prayers found to be cancerous…

Your Holiday Horoscope Will Tell You Which Fight You’ll Have With Your Mom This Thanksgiving

Spiritual friends, the stars spoke to me via a cloud of pumpkin spice and turkey trimmings. That’s right, the air has turned from spooky to soggy, and that means it’s almost Thanksgiving! This cherished holiday means many things to many people, but for most of us, it unfortunately means family. That’s why, this year, your holiday horoscope skips over romance, weight gain, and choking incidents and reveals exactly why your mom will be mad at you.

Aries: The powerful space ram in your stars makes you strong-willed and unafraid of conflict, which is great because this year, you and your mom are going nine rounds over why Tucker Carlson is not “the cutest.”

Taurus: Thanksgiving might as well be called Taurus-giving because there’s nothing your Ferdinand heart loves more that providing for your family. Unfortunately, instead of doing that, you’re going to be locked in the guest room with your mom, whisper-screaming at each other about whether to tell the guests her “vegetarian stuffing” has chicken broth in it. She insists it doesn’t count. It counts.

Gemini:  Mom really doesn’t think it’s fair you managed to get knocked up again (her words) just as your sister might possibly have finally met a guy who might maybe be the one to finally propose. Why can’t you be more sensitive to her?

Cancer: Cancers are naturally conflict averse, which is unfortunate because it’s an even-numbered year, therefore your mother is insisting to you in private that she’s finally ready to divorce your father. This wasn’t fun when you were six, and it isn’t fun now, either!

Leo: Mom really doesn’t think it’s fair you brought your new almost-boyfriend home, stealing all the attention from your newly knocked-up sister. Why can’t you be more sensitive to her?

Virgo: The horoscope contains one perfectionist, and it’s you, Virgo! Well, according to your mom, there’s just a few teensy-weensy things you could do better. Like not wearing that shade of blue that makes you ashy. But not that shade of blue, either, it’s too cool for you. Oh, well, just a tiny few things, right? After all, everyone can do a little better, right? Even in those jeans.

Libra:  Your mother would like to host a “Native American Thanksgiving” featuring traditional dishes. Your ancestors are entirely from Finland. Any way you fight this one, everyone loses.

Scorpio: Scorpios are always ready for a fight, so you might feel bulletproof. But guess what, mommy knows you, and that’s why she has out baby photos and is looking at you like a sad hound-dog, wondering why you don’t live any closer. Apologize and move home; it’s the only way. Your wife and kids will understand.

Sagittarius: Mom thinks your CBD oil is a gateway drug, and anyway, your fibromyalgia is all in your head. Mom will think about this less if you slip some into her mulled cider.  We’re not telling you to drug your Mom; we’re telling you drugging your mom could shut her up.

Capricorn: It’s your hair.

Aquarius: Don’t fall into the cliche of thinking your mom can’t install a web browser on her own. She’s sharp, she’s savvy, she hasn’t figured out how to delete her history settings, and she’s mad that you clicked her special link to Daniel Craig porn. But you’re a modern adult, so maybe this is an opportunity for bonding? Or, if you browse her history further, bondage?

Pisces: Sadly, you lost your mom in childhood, which is why it will come as a real shock when she starts haunting you on Thanksgiving.  She is not pleased about your dad’s “new one,” and she expects you to break them up. Are you really gonna argue with your dead mom?

Images: Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay

Jessica Ellis
Jessica Ellis

Author - Filmmaker - Nonsensical

Jessica Ellis is a filmmaker in LA, has written for HelloGiggles and The Toast, and can be found offering free pies on twitter at @baddestmamajama. She has a limited amount of time for your nonsense.

No Comments Yet

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.