The PERFECT Mother’s Day Gifts (For Your Dead Mom)
If you’re anything like me, your mother killed herself on your 17th birthday, ensuring that you would never be a well-adjusted person. While this means that you probably spend most of the year drinking, writing down the things you’ll never get to say to her, or trying to forget all that blood, there are some special days when you need to push those feelings aside and celebrate. No, not your birthday, obviously– that’s a day for blaming yourself. I’m talking about Mother’s Day!
Yes, that wonderful time of year where everyone goes around bragging about how many fucking moms they have. We get it, guys, your parents love you, and it’s super easy to shop for them. Who cares? But for those of us whose moms didn’t even have the courtesy to leave a suicide note, let alone an Amazon Wish List, finding that perfect gift can be a bit difficult. Well fret no further: Bunny Ears is here to help with a fool-proof Gift Guide!
4. Headstone Cleaner
Let’s face it, you’re a busy person. Trying to live up to a standard of success that you imagine might make her proud of you while struggling with constant self-doubt is a full-time job. So it’s probably been a while since you had a chance to visit her grave. Standing out there, exposed to the elements, headstones get dirty. Sure, the thought of visiting the cemetery where they lowered her body and you said goodbye one last time fills you with anxiety and a shame you can’t quite explain, but I’ll tell you what’s not helping with that shame spiral: Your mother having a messy tombstone.
3. A Nice Urn
Real talk, we both know you couldn’t afford a burial plot, let alone a coffin and a headstone. If you’d been that successful, maybe your mom would still be here. No, she was cremated at the discount funeral home, and the remains are still in a plastic bag in your closet. It’s easy enough to put it out of your mind, way in the back of the closet, in a shoebox, under some dirty laundry. But this Mother’s Day, your mom would really appreciate being honored the way successful adults memorialize their parents, instead of say, a particularly beloved goldfish.
2. A Spooky Old Painting
This is sort of a two-for-one. Decorating your home with some tasteful fine art will make you seem like much more of a grown-up. It’s the sort of thing adults do when they still have parents to say things like “Look what fine taste my child has, I’m proud of the person they’ve become,” instead of the unspoken implications that have haunted you for years that all bleed together now. But moreover, it will give the (almost certainly restless) spirit of your deceased mother a perfect item in your home to subtly haunt. If one night you feel a chill, only to glance up and find the woman in the painting wears a look of derision you’re almost certain wasn’t there before, don’t worry, that means it’s working!
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1. A Ouija Board
Disappointment on the face of a figure in a haunted oil painting may say a thousand words, but sometimes you need to take things a step further and into your own hands. Maybe you’ve spent years regretting the last thing you said to her, imagining what you’d say if you could talk to your mom just one more time. But you can’t, because her ears are gone. Well, this Mother’s Day, spring for the next best option with a Ouija board. There’s a distinct chance you won’t like what she has to say about your life choices and whether or not you’re a failure, but you should still hear her out. You owe her that much.
My, mother died two years ago. I will be purchasing the headstone cleaner. She was cheaply cremated. As in life, she will continue to be disappointed in her first born son. THANKS BUNNY EARS!
I decided to stalk you today because I like your writing. You make me laugh. I have recently moved to Canada and I don’t understand their humor. I missed laughing. So, thank you.
I also had a whole plan to pretend I wasn’t stalking you by leaving no tracks. I loved the doughnut story. Still, I left no comments, so I know for a fact that you are sitting there clueless of the fact that I actually read that. But now, I must comment.
This list makes me feel like I did that time I watched “The Untouchables” at the movies and everyone around me was laughing but I couldn’t get pass the fact that the guy was in a wheel chair FOR LIFE.
From the bottom of my heart I hope all your loved ones die from something beautiful like radiation induced cancer caused by the t-shirt-making machine you have in your garage, which I learned from a youtube video I never watched earlier today.
You deserve that.
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