Our Wrestling Scientists Warn That Steve Austin Will Be Stone Lukewarm By 2050

February 24, 2022 by , featured in Wrestling
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“…And that’s the bottom line, because Stone Cold said so” is a phrase repeated at dinner tables across America. However, by 2050 we may be singing the tune of a different catchphrase, according to top climatologists around the Hyperfuture Environmental Education Laboratory (HEEL). A new scientific study dropped last week, and the results are shocking: Stone Cold Steve Austin will soon become Lukewarm Steve Austin.

“If you think about it, there’s only one known planet in the universe that produces professional wrestlers at such a consistent rate, and that planet is Earth,” said top climatologist Cara Reeves. “Of course we should be worried about the massive loss of resources, cataclysmic weather patterns, and climate refugees. But I’m, honestly, most concerned about how it affects our sports entertainers.”

According to recent data, the effects could be devastating. We’ve already witnessed the erosion of Glacier, and the cold, hard steel of Hell in a Cell has been reduced to hottish metal. Luke Warm Steve Austin, Quite Mild Scorpio, and Ice Train becoming Puddle Vespa are a mere few decades away.

“I told you all, but no one would listen! I’ve been telling you this for years!” screamed Scotty “The Ice Caps Are 2” Hotty. “Why do you think we named the tag team Too Cool? Grand Master Sexy and I were trying to get the message out through environmental goggles and The Worm. Specifically, that it could never be too cool and that we should all recycle,” he continued.

His colleague, former WWE Superstar Carlito, noted, “When I used to say, ‘I spit in the faces of people who don’t want to be cool,’ I never thought it would turn into a movement. The summers in the Caribbean were just way too sweaty and something had to be done.” 

So What Can Be Done To Mitigate The Damage?

Superstars are already taking action to help. Triple H is saving precious ink by shortening his name to “H,” while Seth Rollins is modifying his catch phrase to, “Burn it down … but only if you acquire proper licensing and permits. Also no plastics, please!” Even the Big Dog Roman Reigns is contributing by adding a renewable community garden to his yard, while his colleague A.J. Styles makes sure the houses he builds are solar compatible. 

But can America/WWE make the necessary changes in time? According to avid environmentalist Vince McMahon, “I’m famous for changing with the times, and the times are telling me that we need to do everything we can to help save the environment. Without making drastic changes, I’m afraid that our planet will be ‘You’re … I mean … ON FIRE!’”

Images: WWE. Written in collaboration with Jesse Klein.

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