Forget The Tree House – Build Your Kids A Hell In A Cell!
Whether it’s the blue-collar dad, hitting Home Depot or the suited up sophistico browsing the frou-frou catalog for backyard fun to keep his kids occupied this summer, they all think a treehouse is a cure to their kids’ summer boredom. But there’s a problem: even with a treehouse, they can still find their way back inside the house to ruin your summer relaxation. So forget about treehouses. Build them their very own HELL IN A CELL!
Treehouses Are For Suckers
There’s a problem though that can be summed up with one word though: resentment. Do you really want to hate your kids? Because that’s exactly what’s going to happen within a few days of cracking the cherry on that tree house of horror. They’ll be scurrying back and forth from the backyard to the living room begging for lemonaid or lunch or to go to the hospital after they fall from the treehouse. Locking them in a Hell in a Cell is an easy way to ensure they have fun while leaving you the hell (in a cell) alone.
It’s not cheap, and assembling it can be hazardous to your health, but so are the kids.
A Labor of Love
It’s time to get to work. Depending on your budget and how much time you want to spend, decide whether you want to build a replica of the original Hell in a Cell which was only two tons of steel, or if you want to spring for the more modern five-ton option.
Once you buy the steel, you’re going to want to buy a tarp, the biggest tarp you can find, like one you’d shrink wrap a yacht in. This should be a surprise for the whole family and hiding your building materials will ensure that your kids won’t know what hit them the first time they step foot inside the hellacious structure that will afford both you and your wife some much-needed quality binge-watching time.
Now you’re ready to weld. This is going to be a sweaty ordeal, so make sure you hydrate before you mask up. Shit, we forgot about the concrete.
That’s ok, while you’re welding in your garage, you can place an order for some online. The thing is, you’re going to want a base for the Hell in a Cell, otherwise, your children will invariably wind up digging their way out from underneath it to ask for things, like love and affection.
Which brings us to the most important part of Hell in a Cell, that which sets it apart from even the most bougie of treehouses.
You don’t want to fumble at the finish line on this one pal. Get a big one, with an equally big chain to make sure that when the door to Hell in a Cell slams shut behind your kids it won’t open until you say so.
Besides all the added peace and quiet Hell in a Cell brings is the fact that you won’t have to worry about your brethren fighting or running in the house anymore. Let them work their wiggles out in the backyard, in the confines of unforgiving steel.
Next time, we’ll take a look at a DIY Elimination Chamber (for families of six or more) that’s perfect you’re trying to lower your heating bill in the winter.