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…Against All Odds, Man Learns To Dance…
…Mother Struggles To Explain Scott Baio To Her Child…
… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
…Gordon Ramsay Signed Beef Wellington Sells For 1.6 Million…
…Big dick energy drink selling poorly…
…Research shows laughter definitely not the best medicine…
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…Woman Memorizes Snapple Fact In Case Tonight’s Party Is That Bad…
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…Bunny Ears wins prestigious Bunny Ears website of the year award at the Bunny Ears Awards…
…6 Year Online Romance Ends In Weird Handshake…
…Breaking – There’s A Spider In Your Pocket…
…Quiz: Is This The Good Milk?…
…13th month discovered between February and March….
…Survey finds startling amount of ghosts are racist….
…Single 32 Year Old Patiently Waits For Friends To Get Divorced…
…Man pretty sure Game Of Thrones is historically accurate…
…Breaking: Absolutely no one wang chunging tonight…
…Help, I’m Trapped In A Headline Writing Factory. Details To Follow…
…According to studies accordions are unsteady…
…Opinion: We’re In A Golden Age Of Trash Talking…
…A New Generation Of Turtles Are Learning Martial Arts…
…Dollars to donuts exchange crashing…
…Don’t Forget To Grab Milk…
…Children May Be Stupider And Weaker Than Previously Thought…
…Your Dog Might Have A Secret Passport…
…Santa is real, and he lives in your crawl space….
…Chill Girlfriend Constantly Suppressing Everything…
…Adult Hearing Mom Use Their Full Name Still Terrified…
…Single Woman Manages To Meet Food Delivery Minimum…
…Spoiler alert: The milk has gone bad…
…Sugar daddy eaten by ants…
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…Scientists find that deja vu is just alternate timeline of you dying…
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…Half The World’s Bees Have Never Seen The Show Seinfeld…
…Local white guy “gets it”…
…Reported discovery of new planet turns out to be your mom…
…Email From Mom Has 4 FWDs In Subject Line…
…Hospital Cracks Down On Patients Getting Chemo For Fun…
…Very smart toilet begs for death…
…Fourth grade teacher found to be not as hot as you remember…
…Report reveals Rice-A-Roni actually from Detroit…
…Update: Only very tiny hats now cool…
…Unusually Buff Dog Not Breaking Eye Contact…
…Millennials Are Disrupting The Banjo Industry…
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…According to studies studying causes cancer…
…Scientists Discover A Lot Of Cool Junk In Older Brother’s Room…
…Man discovers woman already knows thing he was going to tell her….
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…Opinion: I Have The Best Smile And Coolest Personality …
…Hurricane wipes out town of Duckberg…
…Local Couple Adopts Blind Dogs And Just Puts Them Down…
…Shazaam not a real movie…Google it…
…Study: Loss Of Car Leads To 1000% Catcalling Increase…

Is It Gay If My Husband Swallows A Gingerbread Man?

When I was a kid, before these gender-confused politically correct times, I was taught that men were men and cookies were also men. It’s Adam and Eve not Adam and cookie sleeve! My husband feels differently. But I think he’s just trying to hide some dark, sinful temptations—to eat gingerbread cookies, which are men. Obviously.

Listen, we’ve all struggled with temptation. Once, when I was a little girl, I asked my parents to join the softball team before I realized what that means in God’s eyes. I grew up in a very small town with a very small megachurch and they taught me that gayness is something you have to fight within yourself at every turn! My husband never learned this, and I worry for his soul. His parents didn’t concern themselves with the gender of gingerbread cookies or Santa or the Easter Bunny. (Remember: every fun holiday figure from your childhood has a gender and it is ALWAYS MALE. Also gender is the same as biological sex. That’s why the Easter Bunny has such a whopping rabbit penis.)

Gross.

My husband had one of those touchy-feely “no-spanking” childhoods. They actually hugged him as a kid! A man! Godless hippies. They let him “express his feelings” and, most horrifyingly, stick male gingerbread cookies IN HIS MOUTH. Like the gays do! Dear reader, I believe deep down my husband loves women as God intended, he was just misguided and confused by the agenda of his liberal upbringing.

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Gingerbread Man Or Woman? Let Jesus Guide You.

If what I learned from Pastor Dan is true, gay people want to actively recruit all of our drab, pudgy husbands into their lifestyle and they will resort to ANY MEANS to make that happen. Sure, we don’t know any gay people, but one time we got an Entertainment Weekly magazine delivered to our house, so clearly, we’re on their radar.

He insists that I’m “being too literal” and they’re “just cookies” but that’s how Satan gets you. One day you’re eating cookies with pants, next thing you know you’re the Grand Marshall of the gay pride parade and writing about butt sex for Teen Vogue. If I don’t keep my husband from these cookies he’s one bite away from foreskin docking with Ian McKellen. Hands off, Gandalf. This is my man.

 

They’re obviously all hetero MEN!

Sometimes I will catch him looking longingly at our gingerbread town display, with the sexy gingerbread men and the sexy gingerbread male dogs and the sexy gingerbread houses (also male), and wonder: is our marriage so fragile it can be ruined by a cookie? YES. All straight marriages are. Especially the god fearing ones. Honestly, it’s emotional torture going to any holiday party. He goes straight to the cookies. I know what he wants and it’s not my woman body.

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If my husband so much as touches a Christmas cookie again I’m leaving. Even if it’s not a gingerbread man. All the Christmas shapes are way too sexually suggestive when you think about it. Christmas tree? Butt plug. Christmas star? Butthole. Round? Anal beads. Wreath? Something too horrible to discuss in polite company.

Let me get something straight. As in heterosexual. My religion taught me that anything you enjoy too much is a horrible sin. My husband already has one fist in the wreath, so to speak, so from now on, no male Christmas things in this house! Especially gingerbread!

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This Heirloom Gingerbread Recipe Is Starting To Make Me Think My Grandma Might Be The Witch From Hansel And Gretel

Heirloom recipes are so special. They’re like a time machine that can transport us directly back to our childhood kitchens. I know when I take one bite of this wonderful gingerbread recipe I’m right back next to my grandmother in her warm, homey cottage in the woods. I’m so excited to share this fabulous recipe…

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4 Comments
  1. Oh! I don’t know what to do now… my husband and I made our first Gingerbread House (which you can see on my Instagram…. but I won’t post a shameless plug here) and this is making me think…. I know now why he doesn’t want to smash it after Christmas. He rather smash something else that’s a male and of sin!!! Lmao! This was a cute read and now…. a fan. Happy Holidays!

  2. This is so fucking retarded. It’s a god damn cookie, so no its not gay. Can’t tell if my Birthday just got a little better or worse.

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