Dog Yoga + Human Butt Sniffing: Bonding With Man’s Best Friend
You think about your dog. Of course you do. Their cute little button nose. Their thin yet powerful haunches. But do you actually think about your dog? No one else is there for you like your pupper is. Nobody else lights up when you enter the room after being gone for just five damn minutes. Nobody else is willing to roll over just to make your dumb face happy. You share a bond with your dog that, quite frankly, nobody else could ever live up to, so why not deepen that bond even further by combining the gentle arts of dog yoga and butt sniffing? Sure, you scratch your doggo’s ears and throw milk bones at them every now and then, but to truly let your best friend know you care, you have to bond with them on their level. That’s where this hot new trend comes in.
To become acquainted with your dog in a way that they understand, you’ll need to get comfortable with the act of butt sniffing. As this is more of a bonding activity than a simple meet-and-greet, you’ll want to take things slow. Start by performing the downward-facing dog pose with a bacon belt around your waist. As your dog scampers underneath you to reach the bacon, you’ll have easy access to their bottom. Breath out and ease deeper into your pose until your nose is barely within sniffing distance, but don’t sniff yet. Inhale as you come back up to your original pose.
Did you bring enough bacon? You’re going to need a lot of bacon for this. Move down into the pose again, this time getting closer to the stink region. Again, don’t sniff, and inhale on your way back up. Continue in this manner, deepening the bend until your nose rests gently on the outside of the anus. Here it is, your moment. Inhale deeply and revel in the explosion of mutual love as it sends a shiver up your spine. Be careful your weakened knees don’t cause you to collapse onto your obliviously munching pooch.
At this point, you’ll likely be feeling spent and a little euphoric, but you’re not done yet. Remember, this is about mutual bonding, so you need to give as good as you get. Your dog has been sniffing animal butt for years, so they’re likely better at this than you, but don’t feel embarrassed. They know this is your first time, and they’re just happy to finally get to share this side of themselves with you. Your relationship will be better for it, and honestly, they probably prefer if you don’t even bother to shower first. If the bacon belt hasn’t been completely eaten through, simply take it off and resume downward-facing dog. Your rear end will be at perfect butt-sniffing height, allowing your dog to do what they do best.
Congratulations, You’re A Good Dog Owner
If you don’t regularly stretch, you’ll likely have some difficulty with this process at first, and opening up to loved ones is always a little awkward in the beginning. Experts recommend combining dog yoga and butt sniffing every couple of weeks, increasing in frequency and intensity until the poses become second nature. To ensure you do not become desensitized to the exercise, consider abstaining for a few weeks to reset your body’s sensitivities. Likewise, if your pet ever seems like they’re just going through the butt-sniffing motions, try experimenting with different foods to provide a variety of butt smells for your canine partner to enjoy. Relationships are journeys, and adapting to what you think are each other’s preferences is the best way to ensure this is a long, happy one.
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