Fetish Of The Month: Subscription Boxes
When I invite my lovers into my bedroom I like to make sure that I have a bunch of random crap scattered all over my bed. Sample size lip gloss bottles, Funko Pops of beloved side characters, fancy stationary pens, etc. I sweep them all off the bed dramatically and say, “Sorry, I just get so many subscription boxes. I’m running out of room, tee hee.” As if I can afford to have someone send me a box of crap I might like fifty-percent of, once a month. It’s the ultimate power play.
Everyone fantasizes about being with someone who not only has lots of money, but also poor judgment on how to spend it. Anyone can pretend to have a 401K, or a bank account with as many as $30 in it. It takes an absolute pervert to invest their time in faking a display of wealth through countless subscription boxes.
Boxes Of Seduction
When I’m enticing a lover, I make them feel comfortable by lighting a lavender candle. I pull them close and whisper in their ear, “I got this from a subscription box that that just sends me a candle every two weeks whether I want it or not.” With my lips pressed against their skin I add, “I couldn’t possibly have used up the last candle when the new one arrives. I’ve got so many fucking candles, baby.”
Once they are relaxed and under my spell, it’s time to give them multiples — multiple empty subscription boxes that I’ve collected from my neighbor’s garbage cans. They can’t believe their eyes as I hand them box after box and describe its contents in sexy detail. “This one sends me candy from around the world. This one is just for Hello Kitty merchandise. And this one, oh girl, this one is aaaaallll funky socks.”
Delivering The Package
At this point in the process, my lover’s lust has risen to an uncontainable fervor. I throw them onto the bed, which is covered in discarded boxes.
“Take it, baby,” I yell. “Take my big 15% off code from Loot Crate. Oh yeah, that’s 15% off plus your first month free. You like that don’t you? Yeah, you know you don’t need another Rick and Morty T-shirt, but you want it. You want it bad.”
I spank them with an advertisement for Stitch Fix. They screech “tell me more about this coupon code!” in delight.
Leaving Them With Something To Unpack
Of course, my coupon code isn’t real. Long after our sexual congress has ended and the charade has fallen away, they’ll go home and enter it into their computer to find only a flashing red, “coupon not valid”. Though they may feel a fleeting sense of betrayal at my deception, ultimately, I think, they’ll appreciate the intense passion it kindled.
“Last night I banged a girl with a TON of subscription boxes,” they’ll tell all of their friends. Even though they know the truth, the lie is so much more glamorous. So, it sits in the world a secret between me, my lovers, and the owners of Blue Apron.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…