Let Us Prepare For The Arrival Of Father Depression!

When the temperatures drop and the sun starts to set at 4:30 P.M., it can mean just one thing: ’Tis the season for seasonal affective disorder, or SAD! Oh, it’s a very special time of year! So move over, Santa, because SAD marks the eminent arrival of Father Depression. And here’s how to prepare.

1. Decorate—By Turning Off All Lights!

Father Depression detests bright colors and twinkling lights. Instead, he likes it gray and dark. Make things depression-festive by drawing all blinds, closing the curtains, and making sure all lights are off whenever possible. The only source of illumination you need is the Depression Box, aka a laptop playing Netflix. It’s like the song says: “Turn on The Office, let it run all day, for Father Depression is on his way!” 

2. Dress Up In Your Finest Sweatpants!

You’ve got to look the part for when Father Depression descends on your home. The softer, loose-fitting, and grayer the better. Get out those sweatpants, yoga pants, sweatshirts, and blankets. (As far as Father Depression is concerned, blankets are clothes—the most clothingest clothes of all!) It’s like the song says: “Lock the door and crawl into bed, pull that hoodie right over your head / Cozy up in a blanket of the softest down, ‘cause Father Depression is coming to town!”

3. Get Cooking Those Microwavable Pizzas!

Father Depression is coming, and it’s no time for healthy eating. In fact, many people put on weight during this season (and with good reason—depression food is the best food). It reminds us so fondly of days of yore, and/or depression seasons past. Stock up on as many low/no-effort treats as possible, like ice cream, cookie dough tubes, and microwavable pizzas. (Make sure to leave out a snack for Father Depression, too. There’s nothing he loves more than those frozen White Castle hamburgers.) It’s like the song says: “Time to get sad for Winter Dad / So buy all the chips that the store had.”

4. Reflect On What Father Depression Means To YOU!

Holidays and celebrations are a time for taking stock. And much like naming what you’re thankful for on Thanksgiving, Father Depression appreciates it when you think back on all he’s given you. Write him a letter and acknowledge that he’s responsible for your feelings of numbness, dread, and hopelessness. It’s like the song says: “I anxiously await your visit, Father Depression. You made me this way, and I don’t care that this doesn’t rhyme because I feel nothing.”

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