How To Use A Mason Jar As A Surrogate
A lot of couples struggling to get pregnant are turning to in vitro fertilization, a medical procedure that involves collecting eggs from a woman’s ovaries, fertilizing them in a lab, and reinserting them into her body. But your baby is going to be an individual—so you don’t want your IVF to be like everyone else’s, do you? Consider giving your IVF a neat DIY twist by using a mason jar as a surrogate. The process is both fun and easy!
The first step is taking fertility medication so your body will produce more eggs. A lot of people think they have to use doctor-prescribed fertility meds, but you can achieve the same effect by tying twine around a lavender candle and inhaling deeply. Then, just have all your friends handwrite why you’ll be a good mom on a vision board and your body will be producing more eggs in no time.
Next, you have to retrieve the eggs from your uterus—and good news: You can save a lot of money on medical instruments. Think about spraying metallic paint on dollar store grilling tongs instead of buying forceps. And definitely don’t let your doctor bring their own dream catcher—make one yourself to hang above them during the procedure!
Next comes the actual insemination process. First, fill your mason jar with a light, summery cocktail, like a watermelon mai tai (an easy-to-make alternative to amniotic fluid) and pour in your eggs and sperm, but don’t forget to strain the sperm through the dream catcher!
Then, mix the fluid, eggs, and strained sperm together with a flowing branch of wisteria and leave it on a rustic wood palette decorated with string lights for nine months.
When it’s time for your baby to be born, you’ll probably want them to emerge from a woman’s vagina. But why waste money on a surrogate when you can just make your own? Tie some succulents into the vague shape of a woman and let your new baby slide through an opening between the succulent-woman’s legs.
And voila! A DIY pregnancy that is just so you. Plus, you’ll create memories that will last a lifetime … assuming your baby’s brain develops enough to store memories!