So You’re Lost During A Horseback Ride: When Exactly Is It Okay To Eat The Horse?

What could be more wonderful than taking your favorite horse out for a ride? Of course, there is a danger—you and your trusty steed might get lost. And as you navigate the trail, it’s only natural to think: If I’m going to survive, I’ll have to eat this horse. No one would judge you for doing what you had to do, but it also obviously wouldn’t be cool to do it after, like, only an hour. No one would think you were desperate, and their sympathy would shift from you to the now-eaten horse. So how long do you have to be lost before you can eat your beloved companion? Well, that depends on a few factors:

Are You on a Tough Diet?

If you’re on a popular fad diet, you can start eating that horse after about six hours. At that point, you’ll be able to blame almost anything on low blood sugar, and anyone who’s tried Whole30 will totally understand.

Have You Ever Eaten a Horse Before?

If you’re constantly going on rides and coming back with a belly full of mare, people are going to start assuming that’s the only reason you’ve taken up riding in the first place (trust me). In this case, I’d tack on an extra eight hours of wandering per every horse you’ve eaten in the past. For instance, two devoured horses equals 16 extra hours of wandering in the wilderness.

Have You Been Saying You’d Really Like to Eat a Horse for a While Now?

Get lost for a good three days. Otherwise, this will reek of convenience.

Have You Ended a Friendship Because Someone Ate a Horse?

Eat that little buddy in an hour and a half. Everyone will assume you truly had no choice since you’ve come out so strongly against this kind of thing in the past.

Do You Own and Operate a Non-Profit That Works Towards Ending the Eating of Horses?

Friend, you’re so anti-eating horse that your neighbors wouldn’t care if you started cutting into a thigh before you even left the ranch. In fact, that’s usually the reason people start non-profits devoted to ending the eating of specific animals in the first place—they’re looking for a good cover to go hog-freaking-wild. Bon appétit!

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