Help! My Spirit Animal Is A Shark And Keeps Biting Me In The Pool
I have a serious medical/spiritual condition that people desperately need to made more aware of. Kids today are going crazy for spirit animals but they are not aware how harmful and dangerous they can be. Everyone thinks finding out your spirit animal will be fun and enlightening, but in reality, it could end with you being haunted by a spooky ghost shark. How do I know? Because I lived it. My spirit animal is a shark, and now, whenever I get into the pool, it bites me.
This Is My Story
My friends and I went to a retreat in a very spiritual area of Glendale, California, where a shaman was supposed to read our energy, take our credit card deposit of $74.99, and tell us what our spirit animal is. I was super duper psyched because all of my friends who went before me got birds and butterflies. One girl got a really pretty horse. He even specified how graceful and pretty her horse was. Then it was my turn, and I guess all of the good animals must have gotten taken, because I got a shark. The rest is history.
While my friends have beautiful celestial birds circling their heads, people look at me and say “AAAHHHH SHARK IT’S A GHOST SHARK.” As if I don’t know I’m being followed by a ghost shark? That is so rude. Of course, I can see the ghost shark floating right behind me. You don’t need to point it out.
Being haunted by a ghost shark has affected many aspects of my life, but dating has really been the worst. Guys will come up to me in bars and be like “Hey girl, you’re looking good OH GOD IS THAT A SHARK. RUN THERE’S A GHOST SHARK RIGHT BEHIND YOU. WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE.”
My spirit animal does not actually attack me regularly. In fact, he mostly just floats behind me being a real chill bro. Sometimes, I toss him a hot dog, and even though it just falls right through his belly to the ground, he seems to appreciate it.
The only time my ghost shark is a real physical threat is when I go swimming. When I get in the pool, he immediately starts biting me. He leaves me alone when I shower, but if I get in the bathtub, you bet my ankles are getting bit. I tried biting him back and I can’t because he’s a stupid ghost, which means he’s never going to learn his lesson.
I think he acts out because he’s a little bit of a snob about what water he has to hang out in. For instance, if I try to get into an above-ground pool, I’m getting bit. In a country club pool, he’ll mostly leave me alone. While I can’t bathe in tap water, if I fill the tub with Perrier, he seems to be totally fine. My baths are so expensive now.
I’ll admit there were some benefits to learning my spirit animal. For instance, I can breath under water now and turn my eyes completely black, both of which have come in handy at my job as real estate agent. However, overall I think the trials far outweigh the benefits.
It’s important to educate today’s youth on not only being sensitive to people afflicted with being stalked and bitten by their spirit animals but also to never find out their own spirit animal. Sure, maybe it will be a unicorn or a puppy, but it could also be an alligator, a kraken, an angry koala bear, or something equally dangerous. Please talk to your children about spirit animals, and just say no!
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…