A Good Night’s Sleep Made Me A Much More Efficient Asshole

I used to be a night owl, and I paid for it in the mornings. My brain was always in a fog, and I felt like I was one step behind everybody else. That all changed when I gave myself a strict bedtime so I could get a solid eight hours of sleep every night. It’s been working wonders. Now I have all the natural energy and mental clarity I need to be a much more efficient asshole.

Before, I couldn’t even muster the energy to condescend to a coworker when they’d ask a question they should’ve known the answer to. I’d “um” and “uh” my way through a snide response before settling for a pleasant, helpful one. But with a good night’s rest, my brain has become alert enough to look that coworker dead in the eye and say, “What do you think, genius?”

The quality of my work unexpectedly rose, too, landing me a promotion with plenty of underlings that I could demean with my newfound ruthless efficiency. I had a field day criticizing their every move until they were left wide awake every night, tormented. Which is a shame. Maybe if they slept more, they wouldn’t be such easy targets.

Paying It Forward

I always help others who struggle with sleeplessness by pointing out how their dark, sunken eyes make them look like a corpse. Then I offer a solution, and that’s to get more sleep, which I sneak into a brag about how great I am at it.

Tagging that advice with, “You should try it sometime” is great because A.) it’s true, and B.) it makes getting to sleep seem super easy when, for them, it’s a dragon they have to slay before they can earn the right to rest. Wow! I really sounded like an asshole there! And I owe it all to getting a good night’s sleep. Seriously, you should try it sometime.

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