The Feng Shui Sutra: Rearranging Furniture To Enhance Your Sex Life
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The Feng Shui Sutra: Rearranging Furniture To Enhance Your Sex Life

Feng Shui Sutra Rearranging Furniture

We get it. Rearranging your heavy furniture just to change things up isn’t enticing enough to waste a weekend afternoon. But what if we told you there was a way to arrange your couch, side tables, and even that bowl of potpourri in a way that will harmonize your home with the erotic frequencies of bountiful sex? It can be done with Feng Shui Sutra, or rearranging furniture to turn your front door into a burst fire hydrant of sexual partners and experiences.

This isn’t a steamy sex fantasy ripped from the pages of Better Homes and Garden magazine, it’s an energy you can help flow into your home more easily by following these simple steps…

Opening The Door To Sexual Delights

Feng Shui Sutra Rearranging Furniture

A front door should be made of a sturdy wood that, with a simple knock, can convey its owner’s virility. A weak knock reverberates sub-sonic messages of sexual futility into the world. The knock of a delivery person might as well be a declaration that your erectile dysfunction pills have arrived. A knock on hearty wood like oak or maple generates positive “DTF” energies that announce you are openly inviting sex into your home.

Be sure to leave the path to your door unobstructed. Besides the obvious fact that a cluttered path can block energies from transferring in and out of the home, eager partners rampaging toward your door to receive the cure to the sexual ache inflicted upon their genitals by your home’s ferocious erotic frequencies can be turned off when they get hit in the face by a rake you’ve left out.

Living Room Sexual Flow

Arrange your couch between two side chairs paired on either side on one end. Imaginative readers might have caught on that this arrangement forms a large pleather phallus. The end of the couch without the side chairs, or the “head” of our couch phallus, should face straight down the barrel of your front door. Every time the door opens, the world should receive a sudden burst of raw sexual chi.

Be careful not to open your door too quickly to avoid an embarrassing premature burst, as chi requires regular expulsions to prevent messy buildup. Leaving a phallused door closed for too long when you’re on vacation, for instance, can result in injury as one is bulldozed by the magnitude of their home’s sexual forces. Maybe crack a window or get a neighbor to periodically open your sturdy sexual door to let out some of the funk. But be sure to leave them a courtesy box of Kleenex to wipe away remnants of their own spontaneous sexual climax.

Sexual Balance In The Bedroom

Feng Shui Sutra Rearranging Furniture

The cosmic energies of the universe consider a bedroom without a second bedside table as a steadfast dedication to climaxing alone. Instead of one, consider two. This applies to the rest of your home as well. Instead of wall art featuring one person, it can feature two people, preferably engaged in sexual acts, and even more preferably if it’s a picture of yourself performing those sexual acts.

The universe needs to know you want someone else to share your sexual sanctuary with, and it loves when you get specific. So curate those bedside table drawers with your ideal mate in mind; otherwise, you’ll be sent whatever foul dregs ramble past. What you exclude is just as important as what you include. For instance, not stuffing your drawers with condoms increases the likelihood of attracting a mate who enjoys rolling the dice every now and then. But be careful what you throw in there. Use it as a repository for random knickknacks and you might attract goats.

Quarantine Your Bathroom

Feng Shui Sutra is more than rearranging furniture. Sometimes it’s about how to optimize what’s already in place. For instance, every moment a toilet lid is open, you’re inviting the negativity you’ve eliminated from your body right back into your home, along with the collective negative fecal energies of all your neighbors. The inadequacies of Tom from up the street and the low self-esteem of Andrea next door combine, amplify, and then spray like a geyser of negativity all over your home no plumber can fix.

If you’ve followed the simple steps above and still have not been able to attract sexual partners, consider sealing your toilet lid with industrial glues and tapes and nailing shut all bathroom doors to keep sewage evils at bay. Your daily eliminations can be deposited just as easily into a hole dug in a local park as they can a toilet in your home. You’ll be contributing to the ecological health of your neighborhood’s common areas while ensuring your toilet will never soil your love life again.

Luis Prada
Luis Prada

Luis is a columnist for Cracked.com and an astral projection of an unfathomable being from across the universe.

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