Children’s Party Ideas That’ll Really Make Your Kids Earn Their Keep

Listen, you have to throw at least a few birthday parties for those sticky, squirmy parasites who insist on calling you “Mommy” no matter how many times you tell them your actual name. If you don’t, your mom-friends will start to get resentful of how many cupcakes they’ve forked out in the past, and it’s just one more thing to explain to the therapist. But don’t think that means you have to withstand aspiring-actors dressed as Disney princesses or, God forbid, going to a damn Chuck E. Cheese. It’s totally possible to plan a party that’s hip, unique, and way more fun for you than it is for those soul-sucking leeches. Here are a few ideas:

Spa Art

Kids are always coloring shit, but you’ll be damned if you’re letting those bastards get crayon all over your marble floors. Instead of the tired batch of watercolors that every mom puts out, arm your tiny squad with some OPI and Frost & Tip and put them to work. You’ll save money by skipping the salon, and don’t worry about the results: They know the consequences for screwing up. Remember: It’s not child labor if you don’t pay them.

Fun With Household Chores

Kids these days don’t get enough fresh air and exercise, and those gutters aren’t going to clean themselves. They’ll love the adrenaline rush of perching precariously on your artfully tiled roof, and you’ll love watching Netflix in peace and quiet for a damn change. If one of them falls, you can always pay off the family.

Battle Royale

Kids are still into the Hunger Games, right? Who cares? With just a few hours of setting up surveillance cameras and booby traps in the vast forest on your palatial estate, the brood will be all set to fight to the death for your amusement. Just kick back with some buddies and a six-pack, and hopefully by the end of it, you’ll be down a legal obligation or two.

Illegal Chemistry

Kids have small hands and love science, which makes them perfect candidates for helping out with your backyard meth lab. For at least one day, you don’t have to worry about inhaling toxic fumes or blowing your hands off — their youthful bodies will bounce back in no time. Bonus: They might hallucinate an actual birthday and boom, two birds. Make sure to supervise, though — little Bryce can’t count yet and never uses enough Robitussin.

Hire a Stripper

Forget clowns and magicians. For entertainment that’s fun for the whole family, dial up Bachelorettes ‘R’ Us and get yourself — I mean your kids — a stripper. They’ve got to learn about the birds and the bees sometime, and better they learn it with you and Buck Nasty than on the street. Thanks to Guardians of the Galaxy, kids are totally into classic rock these days, so there’s really no downside. It might take you a while to find a performer who’s willing to work a child’s birthday party, but at least the ones who will are almost definitely going to be cheap. Talk about a money-saver. Just keep them away from the meth lab.