How to Pretend to Like Your Kids For Instagram
Once you reach a certain age, keeping a few tiny clones of yourself as pets is an essential part of your image, but, ugh, they are such a drag. By the time you’ve minimally fed, bathed, and clothed those disgusting creatures, you hardly have any time left for underwater pilates or your bullet journal ghostwriter. We’re talking about basic things, here, that these monsters are constantly plotting to take away from you, and the cruel irony is that you have to pretend to like your kids. Otherwise, your brand will suffer, and a nosy government agency or two will start asking questions. Here’s how to convince your followers you actually care about those demonic leeches without letting them steal your life.
Step 1: Make Cute, Instagram-Friendly School Lunches
Forget ants on a log — we’re gonna need faces up in here. With just a few Disney-brand cookie cutters and some organic vegetables from your backyard garden, anyone can make a sandwich that screams “I somehow love these pathetic parasites more than myself.” Relax, you don’t really have to waste your good food on them. Throw a slice of bread and a Mountain Dew into the lunchboxes, then eat your creative confection yourself while they watch to remind them who’s in charge. Don’t forget to make them break eye contact first. It’s a sign of weakness.
Step 2: Have a Fun-Filled Afternoon at the Park
There’s one right on the way to your acrostics studio, after all. Just stop for five minutes to take some killer sunset snaps, or for best results, a nice POV shot from the swingset. You’ll appear to be a carefree kid at heart, and no one can tell that your pet humans are actually at home locked in the attic and not swinging right beside you. For the ultimate score, try to stop by during a Little League game. Not your kids’ game, of course — those little shits couldn’t hit a ball if their lives depended on it, even after you’ve heavily implied that they do. (Yes, I’m talking to you, Asterisk. Would it kill you to put down your little science project for a minute? Crystals already cure diabetes, you idiot.)
Step 3: Have a Craft Day
This is a last resort, because it will require you to supervise those abominable turd-beasts for an extended period of time. Otherwise, they’ll probably end up gluing their faces to the floor or something, and blood is a nightmare to buff out of marble. God almighty, you might even have to help, or the yarn will get braided all crooked and you’ll have to make them eat it and start all over. Just cover the room and yourself in 100% recycled plastic, grab some pipe cleaners and puffy paint, grit your teeth, and think of Beyonce until it’s over, just like you did when you made those Satanic piss-bags. Then the hardest part: Carefully transporting your creations for photographing on your antique reclaimed wood table, or it was all for nothing. No aesthetically-unpleasing plastic wrap allowed here — too kill-roomy. Do not under any circumstances allow your kids to help with this part, because if so much as a speck of glitter is spilled, they’ll be cleaning it with their tongues. Now that that ordeal is over, reward yourself with a cup of herbal tea and an Oprah book club selection by the cozy, craft-fueled fire.
Step 4: Drown in Likes
But resist the urge to respond to direct messages from the CPS agent watching your Instagram account. That’s not a legal channel, so you’re under no obligation to give them any more ammo. Let those motherfuckers find you. Just let them try.