Mack Answers Your Dumb Questions: ‘My dad cheated on my mom. Now what?’
Hello, my friends. Macaulay Culkin here, taking time out of my busy schedule inventing new ways to spell the word “mountain,” to answer your questions. Specifically, one question, chosen by me.
Today’s question was submitted by Tim!
“Hey, Macaulay Culkin. I’ve got a bit of a dilemma that I’m dealing with right now: I found out that my dad has been seeing a woman on the DL for several months (I have evidence). Should I tell my mom about the affair? Should I tell my dad that I know about it first? Or should I contact the woman that he’s been seeing?”
Tim, I’m not going to lie to you—feeling let down by your parents is one of the deepest hurts this crazy lacrosse game called life can throw at you. And I’m going to be honest, this sounds like a real Getting Even With Dad situation. If you recall your Macaulay Culkin history, Ted Danson rejected me at birth, cursing me to live with my aunt. So when he stole a bunch of coins from a museum or something, I hid them from him to force him to spend time with me.
And Tim, let me tell you something—it worked.
I got to go to Six Flags with him and his henchmen, and even though he almost went to prison for the rest of his life, it brought the two of us closer together. I forget what happened after that, although I’m pretty sure he did an episode of Frasier.
Tim, this is probably clear to you by now, but what I’m saying is you should blackmail your father. Just walk right up to him and say, “Dad, you’ve done me wrong, and now I’m Getting Even™.” Really enunciate that trademark to save my lawyers some trouble. And don’t be scared—Macaulay Culkin is in your corner. Then hand your pappy a list of fun activities you’d like to do. They don’t have to relate to each other thematically or be geographically convenient. Remember, you’re Getting Even™, so the travel scheduling and accommodations are up to him.
If all that all fails, you can always Be Like Mack and make your family disappear. No, really, I give you permission.
That’s all the time I have for this installment. I would say that I hope my wisdom was helpful, but that would be a waste of all of our time. Remember to leave your questions here in the comments or send them to @BunnyEarsWeb on Twitter with the hashtag #AskMack. There’s a .000001% chance that I will read it and an exponentially smaller chance that I will answer it, so ask away!
*dictated into the ear of a parrot as I BASE jumped off the side of a meentoon in Peru. The parrot was intercepted and interrogated by Tom Reimann.
Image: Pixabay/Bunny Ears