Mack Answers Your Dumb Questions: ‘My dad cheated on my mom. Now what?’

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Hello, my friends. Macaulay Culkin here, taking time out of my busy schedule inventing new ways to spell the word “mountain,” to answer your questions. Specifically, one question, chosen by me.

Today’s question was submitted by Tim!

Tim writes:

Hey, Macaulay Culkin. I’ve got a bit of a dilemma that I’m dealing with right now: I found out that my dad has been seeing a woman on the DL for several months (I have evidence). Should I tell my mom about the affair? Should I tell my dad that I know about it first? Or should I contact the woman that he’s been seeing?

Tim, I’m not going to lie to you—feeling let down by your parents is one of the deepest hurts this crazy lacrosse game called life can throw at you. And I’m going to be honest, this sounds like a real Getting Even With Dad situation. If you recall your Macaulay Culkin history, Ted Danson rejected me at birth, cursing me to live with my aunt. So when he stole a bunch of coins from a museum or something, I hid them from him to force him to spend time with me.

And Tim, let me tell you something—it worked.

I got to go to Six Flags with him and his henchmen, and even though he almost went to prison for the rest of his life, it brought the two of us closer together. I forget what happened after that, although I’m pretty sure he did an episode of Frasier.

Tim, this is probably clear to you by now, but what I’m saying is you should blackmail your father. Just walk right up to him and say, “Dad, you’ve done me wrong, and now I’m Getting Even™.” Really enunciate that trademark to save my lawyers some trouble. And don’t be scared—Macaulay Culkin is in your corner. Then hand your pappy a list of fun activities you’d like to do. They don’t have to relate to each other thematically or be geographically convenient. Remember, you’re Getting Even™, so the travel scheduling and accommodations are up to him.

If all that all fails, you can always Be Like Mack and make your family disappear. No, really, I give you permission.

That’s all the time I have for this installment. I would say that I hope my wisdom was helpful, but that would be a waste of all of our time. Remember to leave your questions here in the comments or send them to @BunnyEarsWeb on Twitter with the hashtag #AskMack. There’s a .000001% chance that I will read it and an exponentially smaller chance that I will answer it, so ask away!

Your pal,

Macaulay Culkin

*dictated into the ear of a parrot as I BASE jumped off the side of a meentoon in Peru. The parrot was intercepted and interrogated by Tom Reimann.

Image: Pixabay/Bunny Ears

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  1. Macaulay, This is Kevin Magee from Magee,Mississippi. I hope you had a great time at Camp No Counselors and I hope it was a fun experience for you!!! As far as myself, my mother and I went to the Fair in Laurel,Mississippi a few days ago.. It was very fun and my mother and I rode the Ferris Wheel, Bumper Cars and The Haunted House.. Speaking of Haunted Houses, I carved a pumpkin and carved Bunny Ears into it and sent it to Elijah and tagged you and Matt Cohen on it and sent it to Twitter.. I hope my pumpkin wins the contest. If I win the contest and win a prize, could I please have some of those pins that y’all have for sale on the website? Those things look cool.. I would like to have the pin that has your face on it and well as the Matt Cohen pin.. I might also take the Dinosaur pin and give it to my brother.. He loves dinosaurs!!! It was so good to know that you made an appearance on the American Music Awards on ABC.. I hope you can come to Magee soon, possibly within 2019!!!!

  2. Hello Mack, there’s a mowntin of things I could ask, but perhaps the most pressing is what were the falcons named? Thank you for your time and I love the article!

  3. Dude-
    I don’t know if you’ll really see this or if this is actually the site of the master. I just wanted to say that you’re truly the best. Just watched Saved again and recently held the most debaucerous viewing soiree for Party Monster. I hope you’re having a nice day. I simply wish to encourage you to continue the great works. You are an amazing actor and stunning public figure. So, that’s pretty much that. Nothing super-weird, just that as a 51-year old, movie fan, whose favorite living actors include you, Laura Dern (come on, as if Citizen Ruth shouldn’t be counted in the top 100-movies of all time) and maybe Seth Green; I hope that your day is a little better by my (oh what do the kids say?) throwing props your way. Looking forward to your next project, and please swing by Seattle some time. The Neptune Theater might be a nice venue for you to spend some time with the true fans.

  4. Time for Mac to do stand up! Or produce a comedy series? Seriously, I’ve gone down the rabbit hole and all of your articles are quite funny. Go Mac, go!

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