Macaulay Culkin Commands You To Eat This Shoe
He dominated children’s cinema. He dominated the celebrity lifestyle guru space. Now, Macaulay Culkin is using his clout to command you to eat this old shoe. Macaulay Culkin understands the power he wields as a media darling and cultural influencer. He is now testing the outer limits of this power by issuing a direct command to his fans and followers: eat the shoe.
Seriously, Eat It!
What Macaulay Culkin deems delicious, you must consume. You’re just going to have to take his word for it when he says this old musty shoe he found in a closet—that he’s not sure even belongs to him—is delicious. If you’re a true fan of Macaulay Culkin’s, this will not be a difficult decision. Macaulay Culkin telling you to eat it should be all you need to know before you take a huge honking bite out of this size 11.
Before you take your first bite of the shoe you’re going to have to take pictures of the shoe from every conceivable angle to thoroughly make a fool of yourself in front of everyone around you, but especially for Macaulay Culkin’s delight. Angle your phone to get that nice top-down camera angle Instagrammers love as you engage in this delightful tragedy for Macaulay’s amusement. Then, with no dashi broth, chimichurri, or truffle aioli, chomp into that old leather shoe. Heal, toe, sole— wherever you prefer to take your first bite is of no concern to Macaulay Culkin. This is the only say you have in the matter. Do not squander it. Choose wisely.
It Tastes Like Nostalgia Feels
As you eat this shoe, Macaulay Culkin would like you to think about Macaulay Culkin. What are the ways in which you honor and praise Macaulay Culkin? Have you praised Macaulay Culkin enough in this calendar year? Are there other shoes Macaulay Culkin would like you to eat? Maybe an old Converse high top or a pair of Tom’s? Macaulay Culkin will appreciate your effort to appease him, but he cautions against getting ahead of his commands. He wouldn’t want you to unnecessarily eat a pair of expensive Cole Haan dress shoes when his commands have grown loftier in their aspirations. You’d be stuck there looking like a fool with an insole dangling from your lips thinking you’re ahead of the curve when Macaulay Culkin is now all about commanding his followers to overrun a government building as step one in a larger plan to form an independent city-state within the United States. Think the Vatican but with more bouncy castles.
Macaulay Culkin wants to see the entire shoe eaten from beginning to end. You can document the meal on the social media platform of your choice or on a Twitch stream. Just be sure to tag it with #CommandedByTheCulk.
When you’re done slurping down that final length of shoelace, don’t forget to tell Macaulay Culkin that you loved eating that old shoe. Offer anything less than effusive praise for his dining recommendation and you might become the next thing Macaulay Culkin tells people to eat.
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