This Vibrating Gold Massager Is ‘For Your Face’

December 2, 2021 by , featured in Health
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Is your face not receiving enough stimulation? Are your pores crying out for the soft, sensual touch of gold? Then you need the Skintitilator 900, a vibrating massager plated in 24-carat gold designed specifically and exclusively for using “on your face.”

The Skintitilator 900 is a revolution in “facial massage.” The rechargeable gold-plated tube vibrates at 20.45 Hz, the same frequency as a whale song. This is the optimal frequency for deep, penetrating stimulation of your “pores,” allowing your skin to release pent-up impurities. Your skin will scream in ecstasy as the Skintitilator improves cell turnover rate, smoothing out blemishes, discoloration, and those fine lines you got from wrinkling your forehead over all those unsatisfying relationships you’ve had with other skincare products.

Don’t take my word for it: Makeup artist and skin-whisperer Candayce Léférvre swears by the Skintitilator 900. “Love is dead,” she told me between heavy drags of her cigarette. “Men fail me constantly. The Skintitilator 900 understands me like a lover never could. I put it on my … um … face, turn it on, and oh, how I exfoliate. I exfoliate so hard I can barely walk for hours afterward.” Suffice it to say, Candayce gives the Skintitilator 900 two unsteady thumbs up.


She’s not the only one. The happy customer reviews are in, and it’s clear that the Skintitilator 900 is striking the right chord:

“Wow, this is great for my ‘face.’ My husband never knew quite how to ‘take care’ of ‘my face,’ but now that the Skintitalator 900 is in my life, ‘my face’ is getting some much needed attention!” –LonelyHousewife69

“My boyfriend refuses to go down on ‘my face.’ He says it ruins the mood. Oh, I’m sorry, is it too hard to spend a couple minutes ‘toning my pores?’ Of course, he expects me to ‘exfoliate,’ because as a man, his ‘clogged pores’ come first. Typical. In his absence, the Skintitalator 900 gets the job done. Really tightens up my ‘eye sags’ or whatever.” –TracyWantsMore

Skintitalator 900

“This isn’t just for the ladies! I’ve tried sticking it up my ‘pore hole’ and it works great!” –Inquisitive_Man

“It feels really good on my clitoris.” –BethKittyLove

Uh oh, it looks like someone didn’t read the product description. That’s wrong, Beth! Wrong and disgusting. You should feel ashamed.

Images: Pexels, Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay

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