How To Superglue Your Pores Shut To Keep Out Dirt And Oil

As you may have guessed, I have pretty bad acne … or some other type of dermatological health issue that causes red skin and raised bumps on the face. There are a lot of those. I suspect it’s cystic acne based on what I’ve read about the symptoms on the internet. But only God knows for sure because it’s 2018 and even the elite can’t afford co-insurance but wifi is free. I have tried all manner of lifehacks and over-the-counter remedies to try to combat the massive, burning lumps that protrude from my skin any time I so much as look at a stray speck of dust. After years of suffering, I have finally found the one facial care remedy that is essentially foolproof. Come, my greasy siblings, for I will show you how to Super Glue your pores shut to keep out dirt and oil.

Prepare Your Station

First things first, you will need to wash your face with warm, soapy water. Get all the dirt and grime out that you can. Scrub. Scrub hard. You don’t want to miss a single bit of dirt or oil. If you do, it will be trapped inside your face for all eternity and that’s pretty gross. I chose to attempt my new beauty routine at a time when my inflammation was fairly under control to try to guarantee the desired result. Before washing, make sure you have all your supplies at the ready. You will need your Super Glue close at hand, you want to close up the recently cleaned pores immediately after washing before any dirt manages to worm its way back inside your vulnerable skin.

Apply Briskly

After your face has been washed thoroughly, waste no time in applying the Super Glue directly to the pores. Apply in brisk, sweeping motions so as to cover the entire surface area of the face. Be sure to focus a little extra attention to your trouble areas. You want those particular pores to be closed up extra tight to prevent future flare-ups. Be careful not to take too long with this particular step, as Super Glue dries very, very quickly.

Free Your Fingers

Did you move fast enough in that last step? You almost certainly did not. You will need to find sandpaper, a crowbar, or a particularly muscular friend to help remove your fingers from your face.

The Finishing Steps

Once you have let your beauty mask set, carefully peel the dried Super Glue off your face. Don’t worry if you miss any of the glue. Extra layers between your pores and the dirt which wishes to destroy you can only be a good thing. At this point, your weary, embattled skin can take all the help it can get. My flare-ups are mild to moderate, so I felt comfortable removing all of the glue. But if you frequently struggle with severe flare-ups, feel free to skip this step entirely and leave the Super Glue permanently on your face as an extra layer of protection.

Now, bask in the new you. Never again will dust mites have their way with our gaping pores. Never again will we fear the ramifications of physical activity. Sweat has no power here. Let us go forth into the harsh rays of the burning sun and hold our heads up high. It’s our time down here.