This Is Face Yoga…I Swear
Hi Bunny Ears readers. As you know we like to have fun here from time to time but right now we need to get real serious. You might know me as a hilarious and probably your favorite comedy writer, but I also have a higher purpose in life. I’m a face yoga instructor. What is face yoga? It’s a real method of combatting aging by pulling on your face skin until it acknowledges you are it’s master and submits to your will.
It’s probably been used in ancient Chinese villages for years. I bet someone once said that NASA did a study on it! Recently, I realized that I’ve been doing face yoga my entire life without even knowing it! As a face yoga master it would be selfish of me to keep the key to youth and beauty all to myself so I will now impart my ancient wisdom on you, dear reader. The key to youth and beauty looks like this:
The Lydia Stop Making That Ridiculous Face Pose
I discovered the Lydia stop making that ridiculous face pose one morning as my mother was preparing breakfast. By stretching my nose and lip in opposite directions and crossing my eyes my mother thought I was simply trying to make her morning more difficult because I like most children enjoyed watching the world burn. In fact I was actually doing it to keep my face wrinkle free well into my late twenties. Who knew!
The Goddamn It Lydia Are You Kidding Me Pose
The goddamn it Lydia are you kidding me pose came to me as my mother was grocery shopping. She said “Put down those Cocoa Puff you have to eat something other than Cocoa Puffs or you’re going to get scurvy goddamn it.” And in response I suddenly invented this amazing face yoga pose. Make the letter c with your thumb and forefinger and put your remaining three fingers on the sides of your face. Flip your hands upside down and then pinch the skin above and below your eyes as far apart as possible. This lets lots of oxygen into your face and I think that’s what makes you pretty, or whatever.
The Disappointing Your Father Pose
Now that we’ve stretched it out pretty good lets bring it all back in with a quick disappointing your father pose. With your palms flat mush that kisser together as hard as possible and then move your lips up and down a few times. Try saying a simple phrase like “look daddy I have no face…why are you crying?” to really smooth out that lip skin.
The We Are At A Funeral Someone Has Died Lydia Pose
Pull your shoulders up and chin in as far as possible. Turn your eyeballs down to the ground and pretender there is a very small man down there looking at you like he’s angry you won’t stop making this face at your great aunt’s funeral.
The Kicked Out Of Your Family Pose
This pose is very difficult. Only attempt it if you pretty much have nothing else to live for. Pull one eyebrow up while hooking a finger inside the opposite end of your mouth and pulling it down. One half of your face should be real small like the circle of people who understand that you’re a face yoga guru and are still able to love you. The other half of your face should be as far open as possible, like your social calendar.
Revel In How Young And Vital You Look
This completes our face yoga practice. Do you look as young and vital as me? If not repeat the practice over and over again until you to have been abandoned by all of your lame non-face yoga-loving friends and family.