Get Fit By Being Constantly On the Run From Your Future Self
For some people, health scares, tragedies, or life-changing experiences are the last straw before we take the initiative to better our personal health. However, the rest of us all know that the key to living healthier than ever is paved with the fear of assassination from your evil future self.
Whether they’re trying to take our place in our timeline or they’re reverse loopers trying to kill us to prevent their own shitty future, our future selves want us out of the picture, and we must be in the most impressive shape possible to survive. So with the support of Bunny Ears, as well as some expensive mental health specialists, we’ve found some ways to become your best self so you can kill your next self.
Step 1: Get Fit for Flight
Now, you’re probably asking: if I’m too busy to get in a daily workout, how can I get in peak physical condition? Clearly, it’s difficult to become a Michael Phelps or a Serena Williams when you’re taking a 40 minute train ride after a 12 hour shift where people just won’t stop fucking SCREAMING AT YOU.
Luckily, there is a one-step solution that both burns calories and ensures you won’t be poisoned by a time traveling doppelganger. It’s simple: instead of dozing off on your commute, put your feet on the ground and just start running to work. Every day, find a new, exciting escape route that you can commit to memory when – not if- that fateful day comes. Not only will you get some top shelf cardio, but you’ll give your mind a workout while under pressure!
Step 2: Get Fit for Fight
A strong running regimen is useless if your facilities are clouded by stress and psychological hang-ups. After all, how do you know your shitty boss or your money-grubbing psychiatrist isn’t working with your future self? They know your schedule, your fears, and once they’re done with you, you’re worthless to them. So cancel that shrink appointment and blow off steam on your own terms!
If you’re face-to-face with your evil future self, they will not take prisoners, so channel your frustration and anxiety into learning new methods of self-defense, especially murder. By mastering the art of Russian knife fighting, Muay Thai, and close-quarter brawling, you can rid every ounce of stress in your body as you prepare for the inevitable!
There’s also much you can do to fight back while not interrupting your valuable private time. Yoga is a must; after all, if you can cram yourself under your kitchen sink or inside your fuse box, you might just outsmart the lumbering, world-weary version of you. But beyond that, Yoga can be done practically whenever convenient, whether you’re binging on Netflix or practicing normal conversations with neighbors or the authorities.
Step 3: Get Fit for Food
Now, if your potential murderer knows you better than anyone else because they are you, you might think that the best diet is beef jerky, protein bars, and anything else you can shovel down while on-the-go. But that means you need to weaponize those expectations against yourself!
Stock up on piping hot chili, soups, and teas; not only are they healthy and hearty, but they can be blinding agents as well. Furthermore, mixing them with olive oil and jams can be crucial to slippery obstacles you can fix on the fly.
While cross-dimensional attempts on our lives are all but guaranteed, it’s important that you make your body work for you, not the other way around. Prove to your future self that you’re not worth the risk since your body is as strong as your brain, since both are working overtime as you’ve been up all night, reading from some extremely informative message boards.
Even if the world is falling apart around you, you must be healthy. If you suspect your future self has put on a disguise and is coming for you anywhere, at any time, it’s totally reasonable to put them down. That’s what healthy people do.