Loneliness—crushing, soul stifling loneliness—this is the modern epidemic our Bunny Ears psychology team has happened upon. What with modern society’s lack of face-to-face conversation, political strife, and your recent breakup, this loneliness epidemic was bound to affect you. Yes, you, reader. We’ve traced this epidemic to a single source, and it is you. No one else feels lonely. Ever. It’s just you, the person reading this piece right now. Trust us, we’ve looked everywhere. Even Reddit.
Carl Jung once said of loneliness: “Loneliness does not come from having no people about one but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself.” Boy, is that true for you, reader. Sure, you have friends, coworkers, some sort of family, but do they really understand you? Do they really listen when you talk about your feelings and your dreams? Of course not, because your feelings and dreams are weird and shared by no one. That’s why you’re the epicenter of the modern loneliness epidemic lots of lifestyle publications are talking about. (By the way, that dream you had about your mother? It totally does mean something, and it’s gross. You’re gross.)
In the past, perhaps you have taken comfort in the idea that others share your feelings of isolation, hopelessness, and embarrassment. We hate to break it to you, but this idea is false. You’re the only one who ever feels isolated or embarrassed. Sometimes, at parties (and yes, you are only ever invited to parties out of guilt), you may comfort yourself by thinking “Nobody noticed my social faux pas. They’re too busy obsessing over their own”
We’re sorry to say this, but they did notice, because nobody else gets embarrassed or feels isolated like you do. Boy, we wish we could help you, reader, but nobody on our psychology team—in fact nobody on Earth—knows what it’s like to feel alone and lost. Not even your so-called “friends.”
Yes, that’s right: Your friendships are not real. But don’t worry! It’s not like your friends aren’t good people! In fact, they’re the most charitable people in your town. That’s what makes them your friends! Isn’t that nice? Your family is very charitable as well. Due to the fact that no one can or ever will be able to relate to you, you can take comfort in the assurance that anyone who gets close to you is a highly benevolent, self-sacrificing individual. This is especially true in romantic relationships, because nobody shares your sexual quirks, and nobody else’s genitals look like your genitals. All your exes were so giving! So generous! In fact, the only time another human being even gets close to understanding what it’s like to feel lonesome is immediately after having sex with you.
We here at Bunny Ears would admire you for persevering through your feelings of isolation, except we have no idea what those feelings are like, so we can’t. But we can say with definitive certainty that our experts have traced all feelings of loneliness to you and only you. You’re a psychological marvel! Finally, something you can be proud of.