Meat-Based Tofu Alternatives We Love

April 15, 2019 by
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Eliminating plants from your diet can feel daunting, but you’re not totally tofucked. Giving up tofu doesn’t have to mean giving up flavorless protein sponges. There are so many meat-based tofu alternatives these days that it can be hard to know where to start, but we’re here to help you separate the meat from the calf.

Hot Dogs

tofu alternative

Hot dogs are a lot like cubes of tofu—no one really knows what they’re made of, and no one cares to find out! These inscrutable food cylinders are one of the best options for replicating the texture of soft tofu. Unlike tofu, many hot dogs taste pretty good right out of the bag, but if you’re willing to compromise, these make a great easy weeknight meal.

Boiled, Unsalted Chicken

To replicate that feeling of “Wait, what am I eating again?” it’s hard to go wrong with a chicken breast boiled in unsalted water. Sure, cooked chicken has a little more flavor than cooked tofu, but it’s widely available and very convenient. You can buy raw chicken breast from the meat section at any reputable market, grocery store, gas station, or street corner ice chest. Bonus points: Save the chicken water and use it instead of veggie broth in soups or cocktails.

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Pork Loaf

Do you have pork? Do you have a pan and a heat source? Then congratulations: You’ve got access to a phenomenal tofu alternative. Grab a blender, whip up a slurry, and bake, baby, bake. The resulting loaf should have that je ne sais quoi (the feeling when you literally don’t know what something is). If the tof-loaf cravings are bad, you can always cheat a little and add some flour. Sure, wheat is a plant, but it’s one of the dumb ones, I promise. If you’re really in a rush, just buy Spam. Really, any canned meat will have the right angles you crave.

Whatever Krab Is

krab

Ah, the Spam of the sea, as unknowable as the deep ocean. If you miss the processing involved in tofu, then get ready to go krazy, because there’s definitely a terrible-smelling factory involved in making Krab. It’s like I always say, “If it’s not extruded, don’t include it.” I may not know what Krab is, but I know what it isn’t, which is ever left over. So grab a package, strap on your sea legs, and chow down.

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A Kitchen Sponge Soaked In Bone Broth

kitchen sponge

If people keep telling you that eating greens will help you “live longer” or “poop,” then you’re in luck! Many sponges are green! When I say “sponge,” let me be clear: I mean the kind you wash your dishes with. Soak that baby in a nutritive broth and grab a sturdy fork, because you’re about to feast.

Images: Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay


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  1. I’m so hungry right now. I’ll have to try all of these amazing meat-based tofu alternatives as soon as humanly possible. Besides the probable taste adventure of a green sponge dipped in bone broth, I’m especially looking forward to the promised health benefits to those of us who like their seasonal greens but suffer from the terror that is plant-based constipation. Thank you!

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