Why We’ve Moved Our Offices To A Barge On International Waters
Recently, as you’re probably aware, we here at Bunny Ears moved our offices from the hustle and bustle of Los Angeles to a midsize barge in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. This move has not come without controversy, having been described as “bizarre,” “hasty and ill-planned,” and “shady as fuck.” We’d like to assure you that this decision has nothing to do with our recent legal troubles nor any impending intent to break the laws of the United States or any other country. To clear up any misconceptions, here are some of the completely legit reasons we’ve decided to move our offices to a barge on international waters:
To Facilitate Our Strict Pescatarian Diets
Everyone at the Bunny Ears offices has recently transitioned to a diet consisting entirely of fish. It’s well known that fish are an essential source of protein and omega-3 fatty acids, so it’s kind of weird that you’re acting like this is suspicious. It’s true that fish is readily available in any California supermarket or restaurant, but we prefer our food ocean-to-table while maintaining our strict pescatarian diets. Nothing connects you to nature like cleaning out fish guts by hand, which we’re doing by choice and not out of necessity due to the lack of any other food source in some kind of legally compelled relocation.
It Turns Out All Our Spirit Animals Are Sharks
We simply felt drawn to the ocean to commune with our spiritual brothers. Why is that so hard to believe? Of course, it would be a strange coincidence if we were all the same type of shark, but we’re not! Some of us are great whites. Some of us are hammerheads. Some of us mix it up with whale and tiger sharks. See? Totally plausible.
Sea Salt Is Liquid Gold For The Skin
We filter it straight from the ocean daily to exfoliate, cleanse, and detoxify our earthly shells. It’s also great for seasoning our fish. Yes, we could get sea salt from any health food store in Los Angeles. Yes, if we really want it straight from the ocean, Los Angeles is right there on a coastline. It feels like you’re asking a lot of unnecessary questions.
Definitely Not Because We’ve Found A Fountain Of Youth
We haven’t. Sadly, that’s not it. There is definitely no vortex of water in the middle of the Pacific Ocean that scientists believe may exist exactly where we’ve parked our barge that grants swimmers eternal youth. That would be insane, and frankly, we’re insulted that you think we would fall for that.
We Just Really Like The Beach, Okay?
Sure, there’s no beach off our barge in the middle of the Pacific Ocean—yet. We have plans and the materials to build a resplendent manmade beach that will be free of the grime and poor people one usually finds on the coast of Los Angeles. In fact, we intend to build out into our own private island. Then, we can make all the laws. All the laws.