Breast Milk Jewelry Is A Thing, But Why Stop At That Bodily Fluid?
Hello #MomBaes! Breast milk jewelry is the hottest new trend in commemorating #mommyhood! What better way to remember your sore, chapped areolas than by creating a breast milk gem, to prominently and proudly display between your breasts? Your jealous friends will ask how many karats it is, to which you can answer “2% unhomogenized.” Personally, I am literally dripping with jewels made from the breastmilk I used to feed my children, Braeylynn, Corbyrynn, Maddisonlynn, and Lexielaylalynn. Still, I think it’s a travesty that we don’t commemorate more milestones with bodily excretions. Here are my humble offerings to the beautiful, creative field of turning body fluids into jewelry, as a way to celebrate ALL stages of motherhood.
The Menstrual Celebration Ruby
A woman’s period is a beautiful triumph of life – the antipasto to motherhood. Women who claim they hate the pain and mess of their period are ingrates: the Goddess has blessed us with sacred Lunar Eggs, and we should be eternally in awe of our body’s ability to expel the uterine lining. As the Earth Mother says, “Waste not want not,” which in this case means you should collect your period blood to process into beautiful jewels.
My favorite method is to collect about a tablespoon of period, and mix it with a high-quality crystal resin. Then you’ll want to pour the mixture into a silicone mold (an ice-cube tray will do in a pinch!) and allow it to set overnight. Then once it’s hardened, set up your gem-cutting tools and start creating the facets. The more facets, the more lux it will look. Try to get a cut of period ruby with as few flaws as possible – watch out for imperfections such as air bubbles, streaks, and tampon fibers.
This fine menstrual ruby will look regal set in a ring, pendant, or even a tiara. Turn your monthly cramps into monthly glamps.
Pregnancy Test Urine Crystals
As a female of childbearing age, the greatest achievement in your mortal life will be peeing on a pregnancy test and seeing those positive signs validate your worth as a woman. Many people save the pregnancy test as a keepsake, but you’re wasting the rest of that precious urine. Instead of flushing this literal gold, save it in the beaker. You will use this to grow crystals.
Uric acid (found in urine) can be used to grow beautiful, diamond-shaped crystals. Often this process is considered a medical burden, as a symptom of gout or tumor lysis syndrome. Unfortunately, doctors don’t appreciate the true magic of growing natural crystals inside your own bladder! Talk about farm-to-table, or bladder-to-brooch.
To grow your piss-crystals (piysstals) you’ll want to boil your urine and add a dash of salt (similar to the technique used to create holistic Gatorade). Pour the heated solution into a jar, and insert a string or other object into the mixture. This will allow the urine crystals to have something to latch onto. Keep the jar in a cool, shady area, then wait for around 48-72 hours. Once your crystals have formed, you can use them as healing stones, decorations, jewelry, and if you’re lucky to grow a large batch, you can shape them into champagne flutes!
Umbilical Cord Purse
Nothing spells accessorize like afterbirth. A lot of that good material is simply tossed in a medical waste bin, or donated to stem cell research. These are crimes against fashion. Use those umbilical cords to make vegan leather purses! Gucci, meet goo-goo-cci! The unfortunate downside to upcycling umbilical cords is that it requires giving birth to a lot of babies to be able to make one small purse. Fortunately, with the birth of my newest baby, Kahleesilynn, I’ll finally finish off my cute pregnancy purse (it was just missing the strap)!
Immortalize Yourself As A Diamond
Birth may be a huge part of life – but so is death! Let’s not let one end of the lifespan hog all the valuable human gemstones. When you die, be sure to write in your will that you wish to be carbonized and rendered into diamonds. Every part of the human body can be turned into valuable, glorious jewels. Let not a single drop of your mortal flesh go to waste.
Also, be sure to drop by my Etsy. I have a sale on earrings! RIP uncle Jimmy.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…