You’ll Need To Rob A Bank To Afford These Stylish Balaclavas
Black is a fashion staple for a reason. It’s slimming, neutral, and hides all your facial features when you really need to stay anonymous. But if you really want to make a fashion statement, you need to jazz things up a bit. These stylish balaclavas put a unique spin on the classic bank robber’s ski mask aesthetic. Diamonds, sapphire, squid ink dye. These gorgeous masks are to die for. Unfortunately, for lowly peasants such as yourself, the only way you’ll actually be able to afford them would be to rob a bank. This is fashion’s ultimate Catch-22. Of course, after you buy these you’ll look so damn good you’ll have to rob another bank just to show off your fancy new bank robbin’ duds. And then another … and another. What’s the point of putting in all that hard work to look this good and only wear them once?
Jewels Are An Instant Sign Of Class
Jewelry is a classic way to let the 99 percent know you’re actually worth something. I, for example, am worth $7.6 billion. But that’s neither here nor there. So, it’s really no surprise designers are incorporating gleaming accents into this season’s hottest balaclava trends. Some have kept their shimmering aesthetic relatively simple. Like Versace’s $2.5 million sapphire and diamond model that features a single row of alternating jewels around the eyes. The result is a timeless look that brings out the natural colors in the wearers’ eyes! Especially mine, but I’m sure yours will benefit from these cool undertones, as well. Some have taken greater risks with even greater reward. Like Armani’s innovative $400 million pink star diamond studded model with peacock feathers sewn into an elegant fan shape in the back. All eyes are sure to be on you when you stroll into your local financial institution at 2:37 pm on a Thursday afternoon – including the security guard’s.
Animal Print Is On Point
Peacock feathers are just the beginning of this bold trend. Chanel’s $60,000 sable and mink number is perfect for staying warm and cozy on cold winter grab and dashes. While Hermés provides an excellent take on the classic black ski mask with their $250,000 balaclava soaked in squid ink. A small percentage of each squid ink mask is put toward adding an ultra rare and exotic peppermint angelfish to the CEO’s mindfulness aiding aquarium, so you’ll know you’re aiding a good cause when you purchase this with a pile of stolen $100s in a pillowcase.
Holograms Are Tres Chic
The future is now. If you really want to embrace modern fashion, you’ll want to snag yourself some of these smart balaclavas. Supreme offers an efficient $10,500 option that will sound a tiny alert in your ear when the police are getting too close. For a couple extra thousand, a version that syncs to Waze will inform you of the safest getaway routes. Burberry’s $800,000 option will monitor your stress levels and send you text message reminders that you’ve totally got this and the guy behind the counter really does look intimidated by your wild ferocity. Perhaps the most innovative option is Dolce & Gabbana’s $3.4 billion holographic ski mask that allows you to project the face of an Instagram influencer on the mask. One minute you’re Chiara Ferragni demanding the teller fill up your Prada bag with hundred dollar bills. The next you’re Cameron Dallas hanging out with Ariana Grande at Coachella – if you steal one for a friend and have them project the Ariana Grande setting over their own face, but it still counts.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…