Can Cranberries Cure Arthritis? No

We here at Bunny Ears are all about alternative medicine, but when you think about it, it’s really Big Pharma that’s alternative. For millennia, people have treated their heart disease and social anxiety with plants and herbs that are just as effective as the toxic chemicals those lab-coated pushers foist upon us. The good news is, all those plants and herbs still exist! Just recently, Pseudoscience Monthly reported that cranberries can cure arthritis. Plain old cranberries that you can get for tens of dollars at any organic health food store! Why on Earth would anyone take whatever they prescribe for arthritis when you can just eat delicious, natural cranberries?

I sat down with my personal doctor that I have to see or my family starts threatening me with legal guardianship, Dr. Elizabeth Haddock, to get answers to my fairly hostile questions.

Here’s what she had to say.

Dr. Haddock: So, how are we doing today? Any more “incidents”?

BE: I’m actually not here to talk about me, Dr. Haddock. I’m here to get your medical opinion about cranberries.

Dr. Haddock: Cranberries? They’re … good.

BE: So you agree that cranberries cure arthritis?

Dr. Haddock: Oh. Oh, no, I don’t know about that.

BE: So you admit you don’t know.

Dr. Haddock: No, it’s just that there’s no scientific evidence to support that claim.

BE: That’s not true! A report in Pseudoscience Monthly concluded that some people experience some relief after adding several servings of cranberries to their daily diets.

Dr. Haddock: Well, that’s likely a placebo effect. It’s going to be at the forefront of someone’s mind if they’re suddenly eating large amounts of a food they don’t normally eat, so they might convince themselves that they feel differently. The fact of the matter is that arthritis is a serious condition that can lead to major complications if left untreated by a medical professional and for which there is currently no cure.

BE: But cranberries are an anti-inflammatory, and arthritis is a disease of inflammation.

Dr. Haddock: Yes.

BE: … So …

Dr. Haddock: Those words don’t actually mean what you think they mean. Now, about the chest pains you’ve been experiencing—

BE: But if cranberries can reduce inflammation in the body—

Dr. Haddock: Once cartilage wears away to the point that arthritis sets in, no amount of anti-inflammatories will cause it to magically grow back—if, indeed, inflammation is the cause of the arthritis, of which there are several types that aren’t all caused by what you refer to as inflammation. Of course, in the early stages, a healthy diet may prevent things from getting worse, as it generally does with most diseases, but cranberries specifically contain no divine properties that stop disease in its tracks.

BE: …

Dr. Haddock: …

BE: What if they do, though.

Dr. Haddock: I’m really concerned about those chest pains. The tests were inconclusive, but there’s a very good chance it was a heart attack.

BE: What berries should I take for that?

Dr. Haddock: I actually think we should run some more tests before we start discussing treatment options, which, to be clear, will not largely focus on berries.

BE: Well, you just said those tests aren’t conclusive, and I’m on a deadline, soooo, thanks for nothing, doc!

Dr. Haddock: I’d strongly advise against putting this off any longer.

BE: You seem tense, Had-Had. You should try some lemon balm! Calms me right down!

Dr. Haddock: Oh? Has it eased the chest pains?

BE: Nope! Byeeeeeee.

Despite what Dr. Haddock said about the non-healing properties of cranberries, remember: At the end of the day, you’re your own doctor. Don’t let anyone—especially not an actual doctor—tell you differently.

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